inner peace

Sometimes life can feel overwhelming, particularly when an overabundance of people with VERY different ideas and opinions about you try to step in and anchor you in all sorts of different places.

Nobody knows me and what is best for me except for ME!!!

Wish I had that free yoga & meditation class to monitor again.  That stuff was the best for mind, body and spirit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhLJY3DiDBU


Peace.

In Memory Of....

Had a sad crying spell at an annual perinatal loss memorial service today.  We were supposed to have a tree ceremony in the courtyard and place our flowers on a tree but alas, il pleuvait.  (it has been raining all day...)

But it was followed by ice cream and some new music.

You really never, ever, ever, ever forget.

(That is a real scan of the little angel's little footsies.  I also have a picture of her in her little March of Dimes crocheted hat but that will not be plastered on the internet.  Some things must remain sacred.)

She would have been 2 years and 3 months today.

Sigh.

wide awake

i'm not sleeping.

these moments of lost sleep due to a particularly loud upstairs neighbor have a lot to do with my well-being.  especially when i have to get up in three hours for an early work shift of my own.

yet i am stuck.  s-t-u-c-k.  due to financial restraint.  torture.  i wish all the stress would just go awaaaaayyyy.

in moments like these, i drown myself in stories.

i love this version of this old tale:  (disclaimer: this is the ending)


and i just want to know.  are there REALLY happy endings out there?   people sometimes whisper of them, but it gets harder to believe them to be true.

especially in the dark hours of awakened slumbers like these.

thanks to a few of our nation's government employees like Big Bafoon upstairs.

awakenings

in my overwhelmingly creative thought processes lately when i write in my journal or paint canvas after canvas turquoise and splashes of word-related things, i pray for a day when it will flow from me the way it is supposed to.

the way God intended it.  the quintessential story that i want to write.  i want to write a Jane Eyre, or a To Kill a Mockingbird, or perhaps a small poignant fable.  i would even write a children's book if i felt so inspired....  i know i have it in me, but....

.....WHY WON'T IT COME TO ME!?!?!

perhaps it's the pressure of having to move and create at a rapid pace so it can go through the big machine gun hands of 'getting it out there' and perhaps it just completely overwhelms and stresses me out.   i have tried many different approaches and discussed many things with people in my research i.e. living-my-life.  when i explained to an old coworker friend (whom i no longer talk to) about my plans to take my time and gain enough life knowledge to WRITE THAT BOOK THAT I HAVE IN ME, she said something that doesn't leave my mind and plagues me.  It was a big mumbo jumbo escapading conversation about living for the NOW and answering that call NOW.  Life is too short to wait for a perfect moment.

And now I suffer from intense creative anxiety.

I am working on some short stories in the meantime to at least just practice the craft.  But I am not pleased at all with them.

Awaking from a big long dream can be quite torturous.

And the face of Mr. Rochester to my Jane Eyre is so clouded over with all the other bullshit that clanks from behind his high-speed out-of-control rabid horse-drawn carriage.  Seriously, my muse or destiny or love or WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS is just like Pigpen from Peanuts.

Maybe one day he'll clean up to be Charlie Brown.

My god, life is so strange.

sometimes it snows en avril

while staring at my blank canvases wondering what to fill them with and watching the PBS Buddha special, the following thought came to mind in regards to my own life journey:

was i in the wrong place at the right time?
was i in the right place at the wrong time?
was i in the wrong place at the wrong time?

OR

was i in the right place at the right time?