Le Retour

it wasn't as glamourous as i imagined it would be.  my return to work, that is.  i had hoped for a triumphunt trumpet sound as i entered the building and a deluge of happy and promising thoughts from coworkers.

i was absolutely brain-dead today.  it was like walking in a haze, and not some majestic purple haze or anything of that nature.  it was more like a dulling, zombified glossiness of everything i came in contact with.  some coworkers offered support and praise, while others asked a million questions of 'Where Have You Been.'  I am always so careful to answer this question, while at the same time I find I want to educate people.

It's about building that filter.  There are those I can speak frankly too about goin' away to the crazy house and they can banter a few lines all their own back to me.  Then there are those who are still left in the dark.  The ones who ask question upon question and still not pick up on one's discomfort in reply.  But I shall manage this, just as I have managed two other hospitalizations and a total of FOUR 'breaks' now.

A break occurs in a strange fashion, almost like a panic attack but more intense than one could imagine.  it's as if life turns into Film Noir.  at least in my own personal experiences.  trust shifts, strangers are suspicious of me and I of them.

But this, too, shall pass.

And how could I possibly survive without these gems:

atmosphere & a return

i am looking forward to returning to an ordinary life come Monday.  being on medical leave for mind predicaments is not what one might imagine it to be.  it's NOT a vacation.  it's alarming to be faced with What To Do With Oneself With No Scheduled Routine.

but come Monday, I'll be back.

the thoughts in my head are atmospheric.

atmospheric.

fingers crossed this rotation of medication will be the cure for my schizophrenia.

fingers crossed.

a simple life

i don't know who reads this or who monitors my internet activity, but may i just say another prayer for a simple life?

one in which my mind is not afflicted by haunting voices and i don't have to explain mind hospitalizations to groups of people who pass judgment on me for being DIFFERENT!?!?!?

i can't even cry anymore.

where's my song?