The Answers I'll Never Find

Since being diagnosed with a mental illness in 2003, I have dealt with five medical leaves from three different jobs.  While this fifth current medical leave is due to breast cancer, I still find myself reflecting on oh so much.

I use art as my therapy.  Paintings and collage and mixed media projects help me cope with all sorts of emotions.  While they don't necessarily answer any of my questions, they help pose important questions.

People have woven their way in and out of my life.  Some get close, some are there for me, while others keep a safe distance.  I don't quite understand what is so dangerous about me that they feel so compelled to keep a 'safe distance,' but perhaps that's more of an insecurity in their part rather than mine?

If anything, I find myself grateful for my freedom.  I find myself grateful for my artistic freedom.  I've never achieved any success with writing.  I've never been assigned an editor who encourages me to change my story or further develop a character.  I've never had a music executive dictate what will breed more success on my next album submission.  I've never been controlled by a publicist, who speaks for me and advises me what I can or cannot do or say or think or feel. Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe it's not really like that.  But it's what I currently perceive the creative world to be.

So I guess I'll be grateful for my freedom.     I don't have the talent that our STARS possess, but I do have insight.  It's the insight that propels my silly art pieces that I create.  Guess I'll keep going with it.  Because I don't quite know what else to do with myself.

Medical leaves and creative projects

When I'm working full-time as a boutique manager and shopgirl, I don't seem to have the energy to come home and paint or write.  Now that I'm in recovery and will only be working a few hours a week for the next two months as my body regains strength and heals itself after cancer, I have the drive to paint and create again.

I'm still quite limited in mobility.  But standing at the easel serves me well.  I would love to write on a more serious level but until I rehabilitate my right arm, a paintbrush will have to do.

Everything I'm creating and embellishing right now tells a big story.  I have no idea if the world will ever see this stuff, nor can I think of an appropriate venue to display any of this.  It all belongs in a psychiatrist's study, where he would sit and over analyze all the delusions within...

Able to stand again

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in February.  After my diagnosis I took a weekend jaunt to Nashville and spent three days wondering what life will bring next.  I met with a dozen medical professionals the week of my return: oncology surgeon, two plastic/reconstructive surgeons, a genetics counselor, the director of the cancer center, social workers, my therapist, my psychiatrist, my primary care physician, and endless support networks.  This was my very first mammogram and here I am several months later, able to stand up straight for the first time since last Monday's mastectomy and initial start of reconstructive free flap surgery.  My dad asked for a painting and so that's my next project at the moment.  I'm going to have to borrow money since I'll be unable to work full time and this is my thank you to him.  What's it going to say/mean?