beginning to see the light ...

I heard the news slowly trickle throughout the day.  Lou Reed died today.  This has always been one of my favorite songs, from the first time I heard it as I picked through old record stores:



I also have this strange connection to 'Walk on the Wild Side' as I landed in France for the first time when I was 18 and the first English I heard was this song blaring on the car radio.  It opened up a strange new world for me.  Funny how one single song can do that to ya.

I forever wonder and ponder and gaze out as life escapes us and hope the departed can feel all our love.

'How does it feeeel to be loooo-ooooved?'

??

Come dancing...

So in an effort to combat boredom and general malaise, I have been concentrating efforts on getting more active in any way I can.  Sometimes it's as simple as walking briskly a mile or two after work instead of relying on the bus.  Other times it's throwing some paint on a canvas, even if I don't have a clear vision of my next project.  I've also been immersing more in my French language studies, translating letters and sometimes just flipping to random pages in my big ass Larousse dictionnaire.

But my favorite new endeavor is DANCING.  I've been trying for months to gather some friends to go dancing with me and everyone appears to be 'too old to be out late' or 'it's a school night' or they just simply aren't interested.  So I gathered up some younger coworkers and took them to an old school club.  I stayed out dancing last night til 3:30 am!  And it felt so good!  I no longer care about 'being cool' or 'image' or being approached by pushy strangers.  I just wanted to dance, dammit.  And I found the perfect place to do so.  No inhibitions, just a crowd of people (yes, even an older crowd) who just simply love the music as I do and want to let off some steam.  Of course there are always a few assholes in the bunch who just like to go around and laugh at people but the difference now is I just don't care about those jerks anymore.  They're the weak fools with their own dumb issues and simply put: They Suck.  There were some older maniac dancers and plenty of idiots making fun of them.  I'm now that person who will go join the maniac dancers and JUST DON'T CARE.  Beat on the brat with a baseball bat, I say.

So what can I say.  I am embracing my freakiness and finding great comfort in being unique.  It's a good thing, for sure.

I am also happy to say I have been working hard on kicking myself free from several years of Ativan.  I struggled immensely for the past two months.  With the exception of one dose one week ago to alleviate insomnia and terrible dizziness, I have NOT relied on that damn pill that was WRONGLY DIAGNOSED  to me long term for the past three years.  With the help of my oldest dearest friend (who is a nurse) I am learning more about diet and essential oils.  Slowly but surely, things are turning around.

This requires a song clip, but there are so many I just don't know which one to choose.

Creepy Captcha

So I was curious about tickets for an upcoming musician's show in a few months and decided to see what seats were available.  When the Captcha test box popped up to determine if I was a computer bot or not, guess what CREEPY words popped up for me to type?

Manslaughter CSOOpera

WTF?  I ain't going to that creepy show now!

Am I paranoid?  Perhaps.  But I have a right to be.  This particular musician has a really fucking creepy little "world" surrounding him.

I am just going to laugh about it for the time being.

musical interludes

Wish I were in Paris.

http://youtu.be/uYTl1YA_uHQ

it's been twenty years....

Happy October.  My brother is in Europe and I am sitting back in the Midwestern United States of America arranging all his meetings with our family in France.  Mon oncle Marcel has left us, and I am so sad I was unable to see him one last time.  My family in France is half of my heart, and the distance is a little less severe with technology and international texting, but when those big life moments come up...je suis si triste.

I've been yanked by others on facebook to start coordinating our 20 year high school reunion.  I can't decide if it's something I want to do.  It might be nice to see where everyone's lives have taken them, but there are a few, well okay ONE person I do not want to see.  Stupid first boyfriend.  When I look back at high school, it was actually rather dark.  He was crazy, manic depressive, violent.  Makes me shudder to think back at certain moments.  And while it all happened over twenty friggin years ago, it took me quite some time to come to terms with those first experiences with 'love.'  So I guess as long as HE doesn't show up, I'll go.  Or not.  I just don't know.  I have the GOOD things from high school still in my life....very much alive and present and joyous.  My best girlfriends, my BFFs I think is what you call those gals....and my high school art teacher.  I get together with her every so often.  All these years later her critiques of my A-/B+ art projects live on as I sit at each canvas.  Funny how those people become part of your lives forever and ever.  Our graduating class is quite something.  Nearly 300 out of a class of 394 have expressed interest.  We are scattered across the USA and our Homecoming Queen is living in Casablanca.  A pair of high school sweethearts moved to LA after graduating and both are now retired porn stars.  Some are already grandparents.  Some are aspiring actors, housewives, veterinarians, engineers, teachers, tattoo artists, journalists, nurses and so on and so forth.  Me, I'm just me.  Shopgirl who rides lots of buses and wears her headphones as her best companion.  I dunno, we shall see where these reunion plans take us.  I guess I have a little time to think about it.

Oh, high school.  The Beastie Boys, Kurt Cobain's death, alternative music, scandalous high school news stories that made Chicago news, Madame N'est-ce Pas, red slushies and waffle fries for lunch, gossip, sharing lockers, riding the bus for an hour, running around in cornfields, first jobs at the mall, hanging out at Denny's.  Crazy that two decades have past.