uplift

the long days of commuting and dead-end work and financial strain and 'being stuck' can be unbearable for a number of reasons.  for starters, one is not creating any new great memories to bank on during the hard days.

if one approaches each day with the idea that a New Memory Shall Be Created Each Day, then life is not thrown into the vast wastelands of what is called a RUT. this can be challenging with no extra money to spend nor access to those places and things that create new fond memories, but it can also be part of the game of spinning hope.

i recall back in my early twenties as adulthood fast approached being confronted with a plethora of ideas and options.  i certainly can't go back and take a different road, nor can i confront those who used me and my energies to their advantageous prosperity.  but i can take a deep breath and know not to make any further mistakes.  there is some sick sort of strength to be found  in that.  maybe even a sense of pity that those stronger than me contributed to another's mental downfalls and illnesses.  perhaps they feel shame.  perhaps not.

'it is not my fault.' that's what I'm trying to say.  i am not laying blame, but i am holding Those Who Were Stronger Than Me in my youth accountable for my terrible pitfalls.

the game-players, the never apprehended bosses, the tricksters of the 'art' world and even the doctors or practicioners who let me down rather than built my hope.

but i have a memory of climbing away to Paris and roaming those streets in solitude and thought.  i conquered the bullies of my yesterdays and didn't let them defeat me and Paris had my back 100%.  i picked myself up there and the universe brushed the debris from my back.  they didn't win.  i would never let them win.

Paris is no longer an option in my new life as hard-working wife and lower-middle class lifestyle in a beat-up apartment in Chicago.  but the memory i made there, the LIFELONG memory i made there will always pull me out of a funk.

we'll always have Paris, as they say.