Maintaining hope

The toughest thing about juggling mental illness and real life is maintaining hope.  When everything piles up simultaneously and stress moves into high gear and the possibility of an episode looms overhead.....

Making it all work somehow

Depression is setting in.  I better not write  anything else so as not to feed it.  It suffices to say:

I'm Depressed.  

Faking happiness is a hard thing to do, and I've reached my limit.

Moving on...

I had a crazy scary dream last night that I don't even want to share because it was a panic-causing one and I just don't want to give it any more thought.  Or put it out there in the universe (tiny little sector of the universe that is this blog space.)

I have been reflecting on the balancing act that is my life lately.  Somehow if I could blend the different components of my life into one solid, sturdy existence I would be in a much better place. 

There is my job, which has its frustrations but for the most part an environment that I enjoy.

There is my involvement in mental health advocacy, which is something new I am slowly delving into but have to be somewhat secretive about it because of stigma.

There is my creative self, which does not seek to do anything major on a large scale but rather connect emotionally with other artists' whose works I greatly admire.  I have come to admire the artists in close, intimate proximity of a safe place of art therapy group most of all.  It's a critic-free, highly supportive space where we encourage each other and never compete.  I'm not cut out for anything but that.

There is the survivor part of me.

There is the guide-to-another part of me. The unconditionally supportive friend to another that deserves more time and explanation somewhere, someday.  Or something else.

And finally, there is the curious, ever-learning child who is always wondering when she'll feel like a grown-up.  

Somehow, if all these facets of 'me' could tie up into one solid confident human being I could feel like I'm contributing and helping in some way.  Because i feel no significant worth unless I'm helping out somehow.  There's so much destruction and apathy and bad stuff out there that a good swift shift is needed for positivity to spread around where it's needed most.  And I believe it takes a lot of healthy whole well-balanced folks to start making that happening.

Peculiar Beginner's Luck

When I was learning archery in 9th grade gym class, I aimed at my first try and got a bullseye.

When I participated in an art show in my adult years, I fell into a strange conversation with a crazed curator and became delusional and landed in a psych ward.

When I went in for my very first baseline mammogram I was led to additional screening and diagnosed with breast cancer.

It's odd.  I feel most guided in life by intuition, but I also can't help but feel guided by more abstract things.  I still have a lot of questions about certain aspects of my life experiences thus far, but I feel comforted by the fact that I will always land on my feet again no matter what.