Sagas

Tired.  Feeling frustrated.  But can't give up nor won't give up.  I feel:

1) boring

2) lacking talent

3) like I don't belong anywhere

4) rejected

5) stuck

These are five miserable things to feel, so I'm trying to chisel away at the sculpture that is my life.  The angst of my youth has not left, and I wonder if it's because I dealt with tough stuff youngsters shouldn't have had to deal with...or if it's my own limitations at work?

How does one come to terms with his or her limitations that coincide with a chronic mental health condition?

musical interludes

All aboard the Express Kundalini!

Moving forward

I found someone who is going to help me write professionally.  That's a good thing, as every time I've sat down to try and write I get overwhelmed by where to begin.  Also, I'll have therapeutic guidance if mania begins to intertwine with a creative project.  It will also be good to focus each week with someone who understands my limitations.  

All good stuff on the horizon.

Mental Health Care in the US

As I go through my own experiences and gather courage to speak UP and speak OUT about advocating for mental health IMPORTANCE, I know what has WORKED for me, and what has NOT WORKED for me.

Not everyone is helped solely by medication.  Some might be, but not everyone.  Medication is a very tricky thing, which requires a good communication with a psychiatrist.  Not just any old practicioner.

Therapy can be extremely helpful, but a patient can't be forced into it.  Just as admitting there is a problem can be a difficult first step, opening up with a new stranger in one's life can be a terribly daunting experience.  I think a good method for me to 'break the ice' would have been introductory art therapy.  A new mental health patient needs to feel like something great will be accomplished in this new method.  It needs to not feel like one is being scolded or judged.

Support groups are amazing, but I think it's also a tough thing to start up.  One has to be careful about details and specifics in order to maintain a sense of privacy with a very personal struggle.  I think support groups help for the seasoned patients with some experience under their belts.

Trust is EVERYTHING in mental health.  So is safety.  One needs SAFE REFUGE when seeking help.  This requires mental health professionals who are caring, non-judgemental, and calm.  It also requires mental health professionals who don't treat mental illness like an experiment.  Yes, there is much more to learn about our human minds and our connections to one another, but safety is important.  That is why confidentiality is required.  I don't trust that new students in teaching hospitals are always 'committed' to that principle...

Spirituality is a good, practical way to maintain hope, especially in the depths of depression.  Being in tune with our consciousness and how we treat other people is being aware of our spiritual being.  Imagine if all of society were aware of how their actions affected others and not driven by Self Needs Alone!  But the judgment that goes along with various religions and archaic thoughts on the mentally ill creates a barrier and wall of limitations.  It also furthers the negative stigma that is SO, SO harmful.  I don't want to go into too much detail about this right now, but it suffices to say that 95% of mentally ill peers I have met are peaceful human beings who are not harmful to society like the fear currently perpetuates when we bring this up over and over in our troubles with gun violence in this country.

I hope to be able to write more professionally down the road about more of these developing insights, but these are my initial thoughts.

Untitled

Well since yesterday's post I've been mulling over more of judgy people judging.  There are many caring people in this city, and there many caring people in this world.

With caring people is where I want to be.

Paranoia is one of the worst afflictions to live with yet at times, I feel like negative people walking around live with the common suspicion that opponents everywhere are out to beat them at this really long, drawn out game called life.

Unwanted attention

As I adjust to my normal, stable life again I am faced with bouts of paranoia.  Everything is manageable except this paranoia.  Sometimes I wonder if a change of scenery would help, or if the paranoia would just continue to trail behind.

I try to focus each day on little steps which bring me a sense of calm, but sometimes a feeling overcomes me that I am being judged.  Over and over and over again, I am being poked and prodded with judgement.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do, what I'm supposed to say, or what I'm supposed to be.

I wish I could go back in time and disappear.  I wish I could go back in time and stay in a foreign country, because I just don't know what is expected of me.  I am nothing to be focused on, and I will continue to do small work in mental health support....because it's the only safe place I know these days.