chug chug chuggin along

Still sorting out lots of things.

The weather is changing along with my mood.

I am participating in an art therapy group, which I've loved so far.  Only problem is my work schedule sometimes preventing me from making it in.  But when I can make it???  It's Awesome, and just what I was looking for in terms of my ongoing treatment.

Still see a therapist.  Still see a psychiatrist.  Still take an anti-psychotic and anti-anxiety pill.  And yep, check.  Still have Bipolar.  It's not going anywhere.

Saw a whole buncha live music last weekend.  I watched The Buzzcocks, Television, Face To Face, Afghan Whigs, Paul Weller, Wu-Tang Clan, Metric, Flaming Lips, The National, Patti Smith, Social Distortion and The Cure.  Cool, right?  I love music.  Live for it, in fact.  I love what those artists and performers can do to lift up others.  I could never in a million bazillion years get up there on a stage and do what they do.

Plus, I bought a new iPod and have been filling it with all kinds of goodies from the past and present.  So Music has been a good therapy as well.  As always.

On Maturity

I take many things in life seriously.  I take my work seriously.  I take mental health seriously.  I take other people's troubled times seriously.

But it's hard.  The Pippi Longstocking in me wants to retreat back to lifting up horses with one hand and doing kartwheels in the backyard.





People often mistake 'kind' people as naive.  I've seen some stuff.  Oh Lord, have I seen some stuff.  I find kindness is a more calm way of handling some of life's difficulties.  A little rebellion and no-nonsense assertiveness comes in handy at times, but I will still remain gentle.  You can't battle violence with more violence.  Games with more games.  Loving kindness seems much more mature than all that other B.S. that's out there.

It feels so good to be getting things off my chest.

I love her songs.



I hope Mr. Morrissey feels better soon.

well i ventured out into the frozen urban tundra this morning.

and i had to turn around and head straight back home.

now the furnace is broken at work, too.  i got there early and UH-OH.  the thermostat read 30 degrees.  the mop and bucket was frozen over and i almost slipped on the ice that had formed on our beautiful hardwood floors.

good thing i had called off the other morning employee the night before.  i had told her not to come in to save some payroll hours and i doubted there were would be too many customers strolling in.  the HVAC guy was out on several other calls and wasn't able to make it in for the repair for another three hours.  so home i went.

it was still -10 this morning.  i wore the following:

fleece-lined tights
long underwear
pants
two pairs of wool socks
waterproof, lined tall boots
two undershirts
a long sleeve tunic
a cardigan
a down jacket
a pair of gloves COVERED with a pair of mittens
a fur hat with ear flaps
a scarf tied around my face so only my eyes were exposed

will i get to work tomorrow?  i dunno.  i hope so cause i don't want to think about my lousy upcoming paycheck.

i stopped by the library on my way home and stocked up on more movies.  my apartment still isn't the warmest.  inside my apartment i am wearing the following:

long underwear
two pairs of wool socks
hello kitty slippers
flannel pajama bottoms
three shirts
fingerless gloves
and when i'm not up and about, i am on the couch with two fleecy blankets

yeah, this kinda sucks.  no sugar-coating that.  but i suppose it could always be worse.  right?

Arctic blast.

It's -17 right now.  The high today is -10.

The heat was fixed in the building.  All new furnace.  Thank GOD.

That's all I have to say about that.

2014, a space odd.....oh it's another new year

I'm not going to be like everyone else and make a long sappy list of New Years Resolutions.  But I do have some.  I always have them.  And I always work on them.

Ah, but it's another year in review.  2013.
1.  For the first time ever, I was laid off from a job.  Thankfully things fell into place quickly for me and I didn't even have to go on unemployment.   And I got a nice severance package which allowed me to have a little extra money for a few months.  That was nice.  I probably should have saved it and stashed it, but I ate a few nice meals, went to a few shows, and bought myself some new clothes.  I think that's allowed.
2.  I traveled around Texas with one of my brothers and my mom.  I came home with 20 new CDs because when I'm with my big brother, record stores are our priorities on the road.  Thanks Cactus Records in Houston and Waterloo in Austin.  Music makes me happy.
3.  I turned a part-time sales associate job into a full time Store Manager position in an awesome new neighborhood.  Just completed a hectic holiday season with little disruption.  And the owners gave me some new free clothes to wear.
4.  I started reducing my dosage of Seroquel and was given access to my own files by my psychiatrist.  He has given me the 'bipolar, in FULL REMISSION' status and has approved my slow tapering of all medication.  I'm still working on the dosage lowering, however, and it will probably take all of 2014 to be done.
5.  I kicked myself free of Ativan.  That was insanely hard.  You don't even want to know what that felt like.
6.  I became a member of REI and have made the outdoors my free gym membership.  I bought a book of 60 hikes within 60 miles of Chicago.  Of course my husband will have to drive me to each destination, but I have carefully instilled a Nikki's Urban Hikes training program into my exercise regime.
7.  As a result of number 6, my calves have grown even more Incredible Hulk-like.
8.  I saw The Replacements at Riot Fest.
9.  I started going out dancing late late late nights and early into the morning once a month.
10.  I did all that, but I'm still not one step closer to figuring out the big mystery of my life.

Will 2014 be any different?  Possibly, if I make it so.  How?  I dunno.  But I'm going to try.  First I need to make a pot of coffee and start this new day of this new year right.

Bonne Année, mes amis.

Ho Ho Ho, Who wouldn't go....

Greetings.

Somehow twenty years just slapped me in the face yesterday.  I arranged another hangout with my former high school art teacher and brought along an amazing artist, mom, dancer-turned-psychologist friend from high school senior art class to join in the fun.  We sat and yapped and drank and ate and reminisced and laughed and yapped some more for about four hours yesterday.  This particular friend struggled with a high school pregnancy when we were young and we even meandered through the first two years of higher education after that together.  Her son is now 20.  Whaaa?!  That's crazy.  We were young and confused back then and seemed so much older and wiser as we discussed days of yore.  Still battle little hang-ups and insecurities and decisions that seem to froth at the mouth with each angle we try to approach them from.  But it was all so delightful.

....but twenty years!?!?  Really!?!?!?  Twenty friggin years!?!?

Anyway.

The holidays have descended upon us yet again.   Hanukkah is Thanksgiving this year and Thanksgiving is just the start of Black Friday.  I really feel for those poor retail workers having to cut Turkey dinner early to go punch that time clock and deal with the MANIACS again this year.  Don't get me wrong...I love shopping for Christmas gifts and live on a budget and am always seeking extra discounts and ways to save.  But it's not my EVERYTHING.  Luckily, I get to sleep in til 7:45 a.m. Black Friday morning before I go figure things out in Small Business Land.  I'm thinking good thoughts.  Feeling some positive vibrations, mon.  We shall see where this year takes us.  Hopefully a little richer so I can actually get a raise for the ten added responsibilities I have taken on since taking over as manager of the boutique.

I really could use a financial break.  Really really could.

Sigh.

Le mois d'aout

It's the second day of August, and summer is flying by so fast.  I've been working a lot, spending a lot and walking a lot.  Actually, I'm not spending nearly as much as other people i know, but for me, it's substantial.  I purged lots of old clothes and am making room for the new.  I got a raise and a promotion, so really I ought to be smart and save save save.  But I guess it's been a while since I've been able to treat myself and so I am doing just that.

Hello green Fly London wedges!  Minnetonka fringe sandals!  Caroline Gardner reed diffuser!  Skunkfunk bag!  Orla Kiely book bag!  Thrift store books!  Criterion movies!  Oh me oh me oh my!  Can I just say that everything but the Fly Londons were deeply discounted?

I took a stroll downtown today, fighting all the crowds from that big old three-day music festival that hits Chicago each summer.  I remember when that L word festival was truly an alternative outing during the oh so alternative nineties.  My how things have changed. I was talking to a younger employee the other day about the olden days.  Haha.  It's funny that I've reached that point in my life where the youngins ask me questions about those days of yore...

I had an enjoyable day at that other three day music festival that hits Chicago each summer.  The P one. I was surprised to discover how much I thoroughly enjoyed hearing The Breeders perform the 1993 album Last Splash.  Took me back.

Happy August.

Heat wave.....

I could spend a few hours coming up with all the songs about hot hot heat floating around youtube, but I don't want any more reminders!!!  The A/C doesn't work well at the shop, my husband's car has no air, our apartment has one small bedroom unit.  I had big plans to go sunbathe in the park or near the lakefront but opted for a good old fashioned stroll through the shopping mall.  Found a new pair of yellow pants (yellow pants?!?!) and a pretty white cottony blouse.  I stayed away from the record store.  I have to stash some cash for my excursion to Pitchfork over the weekend.  It's the big bro's birthday and so I told him I'd treat him to some beer and grub.  What am I doing going to such a hip music festival?  I dunno.  I'm certainly not hip like I once was.  I don't know what happens as we age and all our coolness factors just don't seem to matter much anymore.  I suppose I still follow fashion trends to a certain extent, but walking around the mall today i was having freaky flashbacks to the nineties as every piece of clothing I picked up was an exact replica of stuff I wore in high school.  I saved some stuff I bought during my first trip to France in the nineties and I'm thinking i can recycle some of it all these years later...if I can fit in them!  Eek!

The new job is keeping me busy.  Got a raise and was told by the owners how happy they are with my work and how I stepped right into a difficult role and flew with it.  So that's good.  I'm still not rolling in the dough and wish financial stress wasn't such an intense role in my life.  But it's all about one's outlook.  What makes us happy?  What are our priorities regarding happiness?  Age old question, for sure.

Happy summer.

beginning again...

And so the changes continue as I step into my new roles.  "Retail is retail," is what a coworker stated last week, and while this is true, it still takes some getting used to whenever you take on a new line of sales.  Going from books and multimedia to fashion is a HUGE change.  Conversations are different, opinion matters, sharing somewhat superficial thoughts about accesorizing a dress is a completely different realm than books.  But it's not bad.  It's easier.  Not that 'easy' is something I was striving for...in fact, one full week in and I'm worried if I will be able to stick with the new gig long-term.  But one thing is for CERTAIN: I am SO happy I am not sitting at home collecting unemployment.  That would have driven me CRAZY and my stress levels would be over the sun, moon and stars and even BEYOND.

My last day at the bookstore was bittersweet.  I will most certainly miss it.  I was given a chocolate cake with french script.  It read:

Quel dommage!
Le depart de Nikki
Nous vous manquerons
Bon au revoir notre amie
a bientot

It was a sweet tribute.  And we went for a few drinks after work for a lovely sendoff.  Such good good memories I will have.

And so this week has felt somewhat adventurous.  I've been exploring new public transport routes and learning a new suburb's ins and outs.  And i actually love the fact that I will be splitting my time between two stores.  It's a nice variety.  So we shall see  My new schedule is strange and it doesn't do much for my social life NOR my marriage.  But again, I am relieved to have a job and not be sitting around chewing my fingernails looking for work.

I borrowed The Life and Times of Frida Kahlo again from the library.  And I was feeling motivated, if not only for a second, to try and make art from this thing that I call my life.  Especially as I move forward with this change. 

On verra, mes amis.  On verra.

Beginnings and endings...

I have 11 shifts left in the bookstore and have already begun my new role in fashion.  Once a shopgirl, always a shopgirl, but going from Criterion movie conversations to accessorizing are completely different worlds.  It's an adjustment, for sure.  But I am hopeful it will be a welcome change.

I am sad about leaving the bookstore realm, and especially sad to leave behind the colorful cast of characters that have been my customers and have become my friends.  I am going to miss the snobby classical customers who are repeatedly impressed that I can spell Haydn and Rachmaninov.  I am going to miss Alan the jazz enthusiast who tells me about all the latest government conspiracy theories.  I am going to miss Betty who thinks I am a GENIUS when I can google the cause of death of all her favorite old actors.  I will miss Andrew and his penchant for softcore gay male porn that he hides from his mom.  And my train enthusiast customer who asks me if I'm still taking the trains every Saturday night.  It's going to be a different world.  My only hope is that my next collection of customers is just as endearing.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.  Tear.

Success!

Yay!  Crisis averted.  Well, not quite yet.  But getting there.  I have accepted a new position with a small family-owned business.  And I am feeling such mega relief from the fact that I will NOT have to endure what I hear are horrors down at the unemployment office.

Whew!

I will indeed miss the conversations that come with working in a bookstore, but I suppose ANY kind of conversation can come up when your CUSTOMERS become your FRIENDS.  And I hope that my old customers will come in and be my new customers. 

Sadly, I have to say, this line from the job offer stands alone in NEON FLASHING LIGHTS for me:

"We could definitely use someone of your stature to help run our business."

As I mentioned elsewhere, this FINALLY made me feel like an adult!  Who knew when I started selling shoes at age 16 that I would still be a shopgirl TWENTY YEARS LATER!!!

Who knew....

States of transition...

This week marks the beginning of the six week period I have left on my current job.  I am frazzled and cannot concentrate on anything but my job search.  I tried to sit down and watch Shoot the Piano Player last night, but I couldn't concentrate.  Even on a French film, which usually has me glued to the subtitles as I train my brain to notice new phrases to memorize. 

I have applied to anything that sounds remotely interesting.  I have no problem continuing my position as a shopgirl, as long as it's something I can get behind and actually enjoy selling and speaking about.  Washers and dryers--no.  Underwear--no.  But something that is creative and inventive and interesting and somehow beautiful.  I have also applied to office jobs, even though I know my twenty years of retail background does not appeal to hiring managers in a clerical setting.  I have even applied for entry-level positions in the field of mental health.  And museums.  And cute boutiques.  And record stores.

I'm in a strange limbo...squeezing in all my doctors appointments and hoarding my prescriptions while I still have health insurance.  I have prepared myself for the unexpected--that of not having health coverage.  I will probably have to forfeit my therapy sessions, which have helped me to gain confidence and be assured that I will NOT end up in one of those god awful hospitals again.  I jotted down some support group information and I am thinking about trying my first session in another week.  How I wish I had a supporter to accompany me.  Navigating the realms of mental health can be frightening.  You just never know what kind of personality you're going to encounter, or if you are on the verge of experiencing something entirely too negative to be a strive toward recovery.

So many things to juggle.

And if nothing lines up in time for my position to end, what if I don't qualify for unemployment?  I am so nervous I have invested in some bottles of wine to keep my anxiety to a minimum.

printemps...the first day...

I ran a few errands this March Chicago morning.  Bundled up in my down-filled coat and hat and gloves and insulated Merrell boots.  On the first day of spring.  Part of being a Chicagoan is talking about the weather all the time with strangers.  Seriously.  Especially as everyone shivers together at a bus stop.  It frustrates us so, but we are all so inclined to keep on complaining about it and bonding over the overall discomfort.

But good news--tickets to Tejas are booked for mid April!  Eighty degrees, here I come!  I used to spend every summer in Texas visiting grandparents so I always feel a little smile coming on every time I get on that plane or in the backseat of my parent's car.  My dear grandfather Tex is still going strong and I need to spend some quality time with him.  He's always complained about my life choices--about my decision to NOT get a driver's license even though he gave me his old car, about my decision to leave college with only an A.A. in French, about various career choices and extended travel jaunts I've made.  But he's proud of my work at the bookstore and says it's my 'best job yet.'  I know it's not the most glamorous of positions nor do I have the drive to move up the corporate ladder, but it suits me.  I know my bosses expect me to gain more skills and take on more responsibility, but my anxiety prevents me from doing so.  I suffer from anxiety, extreme at times, and it hinders me.  I wish there were a way to effectively communicate this in my next review...especially to prevent being slammed and criticized for not advancing.  Why don't people understand that some people are comfortable and will continue to do well in a mid-level management job...that not everyone MUST move up and up and up until they are the leader supreme?  It's not that I'm unmotivated...that's not it at all.  I'm just more comfortable with a small team to lead in a specialty department that I love so well.  Anyway, I am very much looking forward to a week's vacation and escape from all the politics.  Beaches, family, Austin, Snoopy's in Corpus, Benjamin's Surf Shop, San Antonio, talking to Grandpa...it will be fantastic.

I picked up more movies at the library.  Mongol, Tideland, The Crazy Stranger.  I talk about movies and music and books a lot at work and can give pretty decent recommendations when asked.  But as far as writing reviews for these things, I dunno.  I can appreciate many creative undertakings--these art-makers can do things I can never imagine myself accomplishing.  They have discipline and skill.  While some works I appreciate more than others, I just feel a little funny about being a critic.  I have too much respect for creative folk.  These are the people who can make magic happen.  All of these works enrich my life in some strange, fantastic way...

Frozen through and through

Ah!  Eeh!  Achoo!

This time last year it was eighty degrees!  Eighty degrees!  It's craziness!  Wind chill today was about 10 degrees.  Ten degrees!  Oh when winter lingers like this it makes everyone more and more crabby as each frozen day continues...

My world of books and movies and music is keeping me company.  Picked up the new David Bowie. Three cheap Miramax movies: Malena, Italian for Beginners, and Map of the Human Heart.  Went to see Stoker, complete with Korean subtitles.  Watched The Painted Veil.  Reading American Heiress and The Marriage Plot.  How does my brain handle all this at once?  I dunno, but I love it.  And tomorrow I will run off for my Wednesday library jaunt and pick up more more more!

Maybe I should write helpful reviews for all this stuff.  Perhaps someday.

Other than that, my current pleasure is helping customers who think I'm a GENIUS when I google an answer for them.  I oughtta change my name badge to Nikkipedia.

Rainy days.

Another day of scanning, sorting, shelving and alphabetizing.  Very quiet.  My clothing was entertaining us all.  I wore an old top I had forgotten in my closet.  It was a black, mock turtleneck with silver asymmetrical buttons and two front pockets.  (Sorry, no photos.). But I resembled a sort of sci-fi orderly.  Or a sci-fi dentist.  So funny.  I had planned to bust out my blue suede Doc Martens boots from the late nineties, but it was raining and I didn't want to risk the raindrops on my blue suede.  I bet you wouldn't risk it either if you saw them.

A group of special needs students stopped in today and I helped some of them find the latest Glee CDs.  One of the students kept reciting a line from a movie over and over and over again.  I can't quite place which movie but it was darling.  Except he kept repeating shhhhh---and I was worried the word 'shit' could have come out of his mouth and didn't want the little kids to hear it.  But crisis averted.  No 'shit' was said.

And so the rain continues to drizzle sporadically.  I hid under my bright yellow umbrella and not a drop fell on little ol' me.

kapow

It was anything but an extraordinary day.  The snow outside is melting, the winter shuffles are being replaced by warmer weather and a spring in everyone's step.  It's such an odd sensation....when things start shifting...when winter lifts again and rejuvenation begins again.  I often wonder how I'd fare living in a climate that does not have such drastic changes in the seasons.

I helped about ten customers over an eight hour period....so painstakingly slow.  I alphabetized the hell outta things today.  I got on my train home, delayed by approximately seven minutes, read a little of Sarah Silverman's book on my e-reader, and shoved approximately twelve Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Nibs in my mouth (at one calorie each) and chased them down with some raw almonds.  I descended the train thirty six minutes later and walked to the bus stop.  After a few pit stops I finally made it home and chowed on pizza and watched Some Like It Hot.  Like I said, anything but an extraordinary day.

The Mister and I had a brief discussion about writing.  He told me I need to write with direction.  That I can't just sit here and type some words.  I brought up the conversation by reminiscing about those first few spring days where I pack a lunch and my notebook and find a quiet spot in a park downtown and write and write and write.  I have journals upon journals shoved with words and brief ideas but they don't seem to catapult themselves into constructed works of written art for submission.  And I know there are a million blogs floating around with the same aimless feel, but for right now, as I get back into the swing of things after a few years of a lowered mental state....this is all I gots.

Voici une chanson pour cette journee:

one day at a time

As I adjust to new dosages and the elimination of certain medications, I find a bit of fear and anxiety about relapsing again.  I have the care of a regular therapist and have good communication with my new psychiatrist, but when I have those sleepless nights and odd lucid dreams...I feel that sensation of deja-vu all over again.  The minutes and hours when my sleep is disturbed is when the 'sensation' starts all over again.  No sleep = relapse.  Mania.  Psychosis.  Anxiety.  Fear.  And it's damn scary.

I want to participate in life again.  Try another art piece and maybe even try showing it to people again.  Write something and read it aloud to a group of others.  I need the exchange to occur, so that I am reminded that I am no longer alone in this big bad world.  I will get there one day.  When that might be, I have no clue.

I need to find my funny bone again.  I used to be damn funny and was always able to laugh at myself.  Even had the ability to laugh at my mental health journeys.  I would think those things would come back again as I get older and become more comfortable in my own skin again.  But it's another freakin' journey.  Journey after journey after journey.  So many journeys yet why do I still feel like I need another vacation?  Are we there yet?

The bookstore is a good place to work.  I've gathered loyal customers who have become friends.  We talk about books and films and music and all the art that gives us hope and solace and fantastic things to ponder.  And I couldn't ask for better conversations in a day's work.  For that I feel quite lucky.  Certainly there are the politics of a workplace which can become hard to endure on the difficult days, but the good outweigh the bad.  At least for now...

There is also the mess that comes with previous medical leaves and the bosses' lack of understanding of what is entailed in a 'mental health leave.'  But perhaps the more people talk about it and share and listen and understand, the further grasp we gain on what it means to RECOVER. Support is key.  Support all around.  Even at the workplace.

Especially at the workplace.

The season will be changing again soon, and with it, I will see the sun shine again.

Now if only someone had a good joke to share.  I need a good hearty laugh to get goin'....

climbing out of winter and more

greetings earthlings.

i am slowly rebuilding my world after the collapse that sometimes occurs with mental illness.  tired of hunting down my psychiatrist every time i need a refill on something, i have turned over a new leaf and found a new pusher.  it's a very daunting task....to go through one's entire mental health & subsequent life story all over again and answer all the same tired questions again.  but i did it.  and after four visits now, it's going well.  i have gone from four psychiatric pills to two.  and with some hard work and persistence, i hope to rid myself of anxiety through better health and exercise and discontinue my Ativan.

the life of pills, doctor visits, therapist talks and sleep can become a tiresome one really quickly.  i have lived on such a routine since my last hospitalization almost three years ago, just trying with all my might to feel like a regular girl again.  there was a year or two where i had to be in bed by 8:30 pm or else i couldn't function properly the next day.  but i write with GLEE that things are all changing.

as far as writing practices go, i have kept up a weekly journal of activities and thoughts.  but i have still not made progress on my chef d'oeuvre and don't know that i ever will.  i so badly want to expel the stories from my system and take on a whole new deliverance of cleansing and happiness again.  i just finished 'Brain on Fire' by Suzanne Cahallan and was impressed at her ability to construct a pensive narrative on her 'month of madness' as she battled an auto-immune disease of the brain.  mimicking schizophrenia, she experienced mania, delusions, voices in the tv, hallucinations, all of the things that i faced in my heightened moments.  it was an interesting diagnosis she was given.  i've often wondered if there was something more than 'bipolar' or 'schizoaffective' or 'depression with psychosis' or whatever the diagnosis du jour was in my case.  there is still so much more to learn about the brain and i'm not done sleuthing to uncover its many mysteries.

and on that note, i promise to myself right now (and whomever finds this post on the interwebs) that i am back to write all about it and more again.  there is so much mystery to unveil in our lives.

Oh spring, ou est tu?

It's STILL a chilly spring. Used to be my most INSPIRING season, with all the newness, rebirth, rejuvenation, all the greenery and blooms. The sun has been appearing from time to time but the perpetual wintery breeze still lives on...

Chicago is facing a new day...new mayor...Oprah's departure. Not that those things REALLY affect me, but you know, it's the buzz on the streets...the werds on the bus. As I await the warmth, I dread the heat. As I commute to work each day, I give thanks for a JOB but suffer anxiety over its security. As physicalities diminish, the digital age grabs on with all its might. A changing world, morphing terrains, new horizons and territories...everything breathes some strange sort of new life.

And so, perhaps these times are still inspiring, just in a different way. Gotta get used to it all. I'm tryin', really I am, even if it means popping a few pills to get by.

All doctor-prescribed, bien sur.

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