men and emotions

There is a great video on Upworthy detailing a man's struggle with depression in the form of a big black dog who overtakes his life.  (You can view it on upworthy.com, search 'depression'.) Opening up and discovering what ails someone is exhausting, which is why so many people hold everything together for so long.  I'm close with both of my brothers, who always suppress emotions, don't have romantic relationships and at times, drink away their sorrows.  They're fine, but there have been points in life where I've seen them collapse emotionally and I feel helpless that there's nothing I can do.  Our parents were so damn boxed up and cold and numb and going through the motions of life and marriage.  I guess it's gotten a bit better as time has gone by and life as retirees allows them another faction of life.

But that's how we were conditioned.

Communicating with men about 'big life stuff' exhausts me in the same kind of way.  They are not direct, they confuse me, they seem to change their mind or appear flippant, and if they reach a certain point of vulnerability they resort to frustrated anger.  I am far from a 'nagging' person, but I encourage dialogue in my relationship.  I don't want to be in a marriage where two people don't talk or make decisions together or discuss.  I don't want to live in an emotionally boxed up place.  

I've had other places to go in my life for emotional support. There have been aunts and longtime friends.  That all seems to ebb and flow as life often does.  I have new family in my in-laws, who are lovely.  But there is only so much to be said before that 'blockage' occurs again.  If I were some kind of surgeon of emotions I would put in a stent or whatever I could to open up the pathways.  But I'm afraid it's a 'condition' I can't change.

oh my. i'm married.

i have been adjusting to referring to eric as (gulp) my HUSBAND over the past several days.

how does this happen so fast? did i want it to happen so fast? were we thinking straight?

nothing could have been more fun than our petite vegas wedding. we enjoyed the company of about 30 people in the chapel and at dinner afterwards. the most cheesetastic Tropicana karaoke bar in the after hours one could possibly locate on the LV strip.

of course then there was my cold. my brother gave me a most lovely wedding gift. a sinucleanse neti-pot, which if you are unfamiliar, is an aladdin-type genie vessel in which you run a saline mixture into one nostril as it flows out the other. blow nose and repeat in second nostril. thrilling.

and an even more thrilling experience approximately one hour before your very own wedding. i ran out of time for my hair, but man, did my nostrils feel gooooo-ooooood.

marriage

i would really like to write again. it's been ages since my mind was high with feverish creativity and reflection, and i must say it was a purposeful step back so that i could concentrate on 'more important things.'

i stepped away from the blogosphere in an attempt to concentrate on more private writing sessions, but have i made this happen? um, no.

hopefully, with a marriage this weekend, and more newness of life, and walking down the aisle of a las vegas chapel, i will feel amused and inspired by life and all of its unpredictability.