Music and Coping

It's summer in Chicago and I have begun my adventures of trying to soak up all the live music I possibly can.

I go through bouts of agoraphobia at times, during certain years of my bipolar/anxiety/trauma brain trials and tribulations, but I'm feeling pretty upbeat because I don't seem to be afflicted with that panic currently.

Saw a band last night, seeing one of my favorites tonight, seeing another band I love on Friday.  I'd love to pop by another favorite musician's concert next month too but I just can't rationalize paying so much for a concert ticket to see someone I once considered a friend.  That's just messed up...

I tried once to pick up a guitar and sing.  It didn't go well.  I am NOT a performer nor do I have any singer/songwriter talents.  I still have a student guitar that is sitting in its case in the corner of my living room, and every so often I'll try to tune it and play a little ditty.  Not for anyone but me.  Maybe my cat if she's in the room.  No siree, I am not cut out for that.  But boy do I enjoy watching others with TALENT doing what they do so well.

From a mental health standpoint, music and song lyrics helps those struggling find words and pitch to what they are universally experiencing.  That's really important, you know.  To be able to find an expression for what one is experiencing is of utmost, sincere importance, and I hope musicians can always remember that significance of their art and not get swept away with fandom adoration and enlarged ego.

musical interludes

All aboard the Express Kundalini!

"When the company goes public....

"....you've got to learn to love what you own."

I think about 'going public' with mental health stuff all the time, but due to judgment passed upon me at several differrent workplaces over the course of the last 12 years in the Chicago area, I keep it to myself.  For now.

I am doing the NAMI Walk in Chicago this weekend.  I have two brave souls walking with me on my team, both of whom have personal connections to mental health issues.  And both of their experiences have been sad and tragic.

There's hope, you know.

God and Goddess knows there's enough bullshit to sift through as we navigate our ways through corporate pharmaceutical greed and finding a psychiatrist who BELIEVES in YOU as a human being and not a commodity is a big part of the process.  When my psychiatrist told me he inherited a lot of patients who he feels were unnecessarily medicated with two of the same type of drug I was like HALLELUJAH!  I'm sticking with this doctor!  I know I make him nervous with my questions about Seroquel and its link to breast cancer (do I need to remind everyone I had a mastectomy March 30, 2015?) but I'm still fighting the good fight.  And I know a little bit more about whom I can trust in mental health.

Anyway, here's the song I was quoting in the title of this post.  I'm not sure which version I like better:

New Year, New ?????

I'm not going to give into peer pressure and society to make for a new me this year.  I am just going to continue doing the best I can and not beat myself up anymore.  Maybe the old me can resurface a bit, but only the good parts...

So I went to a Bob Mould concert on New Years Eve.  I love his music and that's the 2nd time I've seen him live.  I missed him this summer when he was playing for free downtown due to agoraphobia I was dealing with last June...so it was extra special to see him this time around.  I have his autobiography to read but haven't delved into it too much.  He writes openly about 'mental health' struggles and I am always game to read about other people's successes in dealing with that stuff.  I'll get around to it soon.  I actually started it and he started talking about abuse early on and I wasn't feeling strong enough to read about it.  But I'll get to it.  Anyway, he put on a great show and it was a fun night out.  The owner of the Metro was hanging out and I smiled at him as we passed each other in the hallway.  He was like, Who are you smiling at me?  Do I know you?  Haha.  But THAT is the person I USED to be...the person who would smile at strangers and might even make a new friend that way.  My younger self.  I want to be more like my younger self.  The good aspects of my younger self, though...not the depressive suicidal version.

I love watching artists do their thing.  I always do my own thing, but I don't have the balls to show it to anyone.  Maybe someday I will, but for now I just do it as my therapy...and that's OK.  Or maybe it's not.  I don't know.  I watched the movie Big Eyes yesterday and what a great subtle art revenge story.  A young naive artist agrees to lie to the public because her husband wants to take credit for all the paintings she creates.  Based on a true story, so it's even better.  I recommend seeing it.  My husband recently invited some gas service salesmen inside our apartment and one of them asked about one of my paintings propped up on the easel.  He asked how much and my husband said, $800.  The guy said he didn't have that kind of money right now but left his contact information if we could work out an arrangement.  It's an old painting I did back in the nineties but I don't think I want to part with it.  Is that weird of me?  Probably.

We lost a great person right before Christmas this year....my father-in-law.  He was kind and wise and full of good humor, even as he dealt with difficulties in his health.  It is a major life adjustment without him, but we are better people to have known someone like him in this life.

I wish you weirdos reading this a Happy Happy New Year.  I am calling you weirdos because you read this thing and never leave any comments for me.  What am I, chopped liver?

chug chug chuggin along

Still sorting out lots of things.

The weather is changing along with my mood.

I am participating in an art therapy group, which I've loved so far.  Only problem is my work schedule sometimes preventing me from making it in.  But when I can make it???  It's Awesome, and just what I was looking for in terms of my ongoing treatment.

Still see a therapist.  Still see a psychiatrist.  Still take an anti-psychotic and anti-anxiety pill.  And yep, check.  Still have Bipolar.  It's not going anywhere.

Saw a whole buncha live music last weekend.  I watched The Buzzcocks, Television, Face To Face, Afghan Whigs, Paul Weller, Wu-Tang Clan, Metric, Flaming Lips, The National, Patti Smith, Social Distortion and The Cure.  Cool, right?  I love music.  Live for it, in fact.  I love what those artists and performers can do to lift up others.  I could never in a million bazillion years get up there on a stage and do what they do.

Plus, I bought a new iPod and have been filling it with all kinds of goodies from the past and present.  So Music has been a good therapy as well.  As always.

music (under pressure)

music (just for fun)

Music

It feels so good to be getting things off my chest.

I love her songs.



I hope Mr. Morrissey feels better soon.

Music!!

Sunday mornings while I'm getting ready for work I often listen to Breakfast with the Beatles. It's a marvelous start to the week, and for so many, MUSIC is such a lovely therapy for those living with mental illness.

In acute states of mania, however, certain kinds of music can be a hinderance.  The lyrics get to be TOO much, and for those of us who have experienced auditory hallucinations, music can actually create a kind of panic.  I've been there, and I have to shut it all off.  I have to shut off TVs as well, and go to my own personal peace and quiet.  The world of broadcast gets too loud.  I usually turn to jazz.  Miles Davis and John Coltrane.  It's hard to explain, but if memory serves me well enough today, other patients had some similar experiences and I know I'm not alone on this.

Still, certain songs provide such incredible solace, and I'm grateful for those who create them.  There's a healing art inside some of those songs.  And then there are certain songs that seem to chime in at just the right times.  They may have been written by the artist from one perspective, then they reach the ears of another in different circumstances.  One such universal song for me is Modest Mouse's Missed the Boat.  It popped on the radio as my husband was driving me home from the hospital with my white box from the March of Dimes on my lap.  The box contained all the keepsakes of the baby I had just delivered who didn't survive this world.  For some reason it was just the perfect song at the perfect time.  When music reaches a certain universality, it's a really special thing.

I am grateful for the music.  When it gets to be too much, I shut it off.  But when it helps, it works wonders.

my headphones

beginning to see the light ...

I heard the news slowly trickle throughout the day.  Lou Reed died today.  This has always been one of my favorite songs, from the first time I heard it as I picked through old record stores:



I also have this strange connection to 'Walk on the Wild Side' as I landed in France for the first time when I was 18 and the first English I heard was this song blaring on the car radio.  It opened up a strange new world for me.  Funny how one single song can do that to ya.

I forever wonder and ponder and gaze out as life escapes us and hope the departed can feel all our love.

'How does it feeeel to be loooo-ooooved?'

??

when the music fills your soul....

So I ventured out to this year's Riot Fest in Humboldt Park on Saturday.  I tried and tried to get someone to go with me, yet all I could find were former young coworkers going with tons of their BFFs to watch all the young(er) bands.  So my husband dropped me off and I went, IN THE POURING RAIN, all by myself.

And I actually had an awesome time.

I got there just in time to watch Peter Hook & the Light perform a Joy Division set.  The rain was not subsiding so I pushed my way up front (which I haven't done in years!) and thoroughly enjoyed those old songs I have always loved so well.  He sounded just like Ian Curtis singing...it was really impressive.  I can never get enough of Joy Division music.  And the feelings I got when I wandered around Manchester, UK back in the days of a Mancunian boyfriend.  Someone in the audience even held up an I (heart) MCR sign.  Great start to the day....

After the set I explored the grounds a bit.  Things were already starting to become a mud pit early on.  But once a girl scout, always a girls scout.  I was equipped with my shiny black hooded raincoat, a scarf I wore like a baboushka, and my Eiffel Tower rain boots.  There was a RIOT stage, ROCK stage, ROOTS, RISE and REBEL.  Carnival rides.  Food and beverages galore.  Circus freaks.  Punks.  Hot Topic kids.  Wandering circus performers.  Steampunk wind-up dolls.  And rain.  Buckets of rain.

I headed back up front for Bob Mould.  I have always loved everything from Husker Du to Sugar and everything in between and after.  I recently picked up his autobiography and will get around to reading it one of these days.  He was awesome.  He realized into about the fourth song that he had tons more to do in a set amount of time and so he just ripped through every song, one after the other after the other without even coming up for air.  It was awesome.

I glopped my way through the mud over to see Best Coast.  (I just made up the word glopped, as that's how it felt walking through the mudpits as they got deeper and deeper with each inch of rain that accumulated.)  Caught the tail end and the boyfriend song.  Cute.  I love those guys.

My older brother finally made it in from Milwaukee and I met up with him as Rocket From the Crypt took the stage.  I hadn't thought about them since seeing them on 120 Minutes back in the nineties.  They were a powerhouse!  And absolutely hilarious.  And they wore matching ensembles.  The crowds were starting to pick up....

Chowed on some curry fries and watched the Suicidal Tendencies....wandered around for awhile observing some of the younger bands I didn't really know much about.  It was definitely an awakening at how old I felt.  Watched AFI, surrounded by kids who were at the age in which I could potentially be the same age as their parents.

I was torn on whether or not to watch the Pixies and then head over for the Replacements.  I love the Pixies, but I was really set on watching those wacky Replacements.  The Replacements!!!  We decided to move up close for the Replacements while the Pixies performed their set.  Chowed on a $12 Polish Plate and stood in a big massive crowd for about an hour.  Couldn't really hear much Pixies except for a muted Wave of Mutilation as I stood in a big long line for the port o potties.  The adoring Replacements fans were pretty intense.  People had traveled to Chicago from all over the place to see them.  They were selling $10 foam middle fingers that spotted the crowd.  The guys took the stage after 9pm and were as amazing as you could imagine them to be.  And hilarious!  Paul Westerberg went over to the guitarist and told him to fix his fucking guitar so he didn't sound like the fucking Cure!  Or something like that.  Hahaha.  So funny.  They played stuff somewhat chronologically.  Punks to melodic, catchy tunes.  Everybody sang along.  I was beaming a big old smile by the end of the night and got on the El completely covered in mud.  I had music just roaring in my head....singing all my favorite songs from so many of my favorite musicians loudly in my own head.

I played some more music on the stereo when I got home and raved on and on to my husband about how much fun I had.  I told him every little detail and how amazing everyone sounded.  I was absolutely gushing and he just quietly turned to me and said, "I guess I just don't love music in the same way that you do."  How could anyone not be as impassioned about music as I am?  I don't know...I can't find the words for it.  But it absolutely amazes, confounds, brings me such joy and resonance.  I may have been alone in that crowd but as soon as the music starts I just don't feel even the slightest glimpse of loneliness.  I LOVE MUSIC.  What can I say...

And even a few days later, it's all still swirling around my head.

Heat wave.....

I could spend a few hours coming up with all the songs about hot hot heat floating around youtube, but I don't want any more reminders!!!  The A/C doesn't work well at the shop, my husband's car has no air, our apartment has one small bedroom unit.  I had big plans to go sunbathe in the park or near the lakefront but opted for a good old fashioned stroll through the shopping mall.  Found a new pair of yellow pants (yellow pants?!?!) and a pretty white cottony blouse.  I stayed away from the record store.  I have to stash some cash for my excursion to Pitchfork over the weekend.  It's the big bro's birthday and so I told him I'd treat him to some beer and grub.  What am I doing going to such a hip music festival?  I dunno.  I'm certainly not hip like I once was.  I don't know what happens as we age and all our coolness factors just don't seem to matter much anymore.  I suppose I still follow fashion trends to a certain extent, but walking around the mall today i was having freaky flashbacks to the nineties as every piece of clothing I picked up was an exact replica of stuff I wore in high school.  I saved some stuff I bought during my first trip to France in the nineties and I'm thinking i can recycle some of it all these years later...if I can fit in them!  Eek!

The new job is keeping me busy.  Got a raise and was told by the owners how happy they are with my work and how I stepped right into a difficult role and flew with it.  So that's good.  I'm still not rolling in the dough and wish financial stress wasn't such an intense role in my life.  But it's all about one's outlook.  What makes us happy?  What are our priorities regarding happiness?  Age old question, for sure.

Happy summer.

Workin' workin' workin'

Whew!  Just finished a nine day work stretch.  How the hell did I work three jobs AND take classes in the 90s?  I dunno.  Funny how age just suddenly creeps up on us like it does.

As of today, I have eight more shifts at the bookstore.  I have nearly been in tears saying goodbye to people.  And I am sure as the last days continue some real tears will indeed be shed.  I have been so comfortable in my position, like it was something that suited me so well.  I am sad.  It's a very bittersweet farewell.

I have been starting up the new gig and learning all the ropes.  I am hanging my head in sadness as vacation becomes some elusive thing.  And a pay cut.  And expensive health insurance.  I have already reworked my new budget and it's sad.  Thank God for free events.  (Sharon Van Etten was awesome Monday night!)

I am hoping a creative surge hits again.  Working like this sucks the life out of me....

Howdy from Texas...

Oh Lordy, Lordy.  I have done my fair share of supporting independent record stores over the past few days.  My brother, mother and I have been driving around Texas supporting local businesses as far as the eye can see.  We hit Cactus Records in Houston, Waterloo Records in Austin, Superflys Lone Star Music and Hastings in San Marcos and there will be more.  So far, I've picked up Wavves, Big E's Lone Star Record Hop compilation of today's best Texas Rockabilly, Rock Rock Rock French Rock 1956-1959, Wayne Hancock, used Jesus & Mary Chain, Jim White, Peter Tosh, an old Love and Rockets, Chill Arabia. Richard Ashcroft, France compilation, Paul Weller, Los Amigos Invisibles, and Los Straitjackets.  Whew!  We hung out at Gruene Hall, have wandered Austin and all bought Have A Willie Nice Day Willie Nelson t-shirts, ate lots of BBQ and are now headed down to the Gulf of Mexico to visit my dear grandpa.  Time always flies by so quickly on these trips.   Sniff!

random acts of kindness, etc.

I survived April Fools Day unscathed.  WXRT got me last year good with that ELO brunch business.  D'oh!  I was really looking forward to an Electric Light Brunch every Sunday after Breakfast with the Beatles.  I had a nice chuckle, though, over the email from Redbox advertising the launch of new lunch meat dispensers and also the maxi tube dress offer from Urban Outfitters.  It didn't have a place to free one's arms and they were kept under wraps under the dress.  Silliness.  I wonder how many folks fell for it?

A young lady approached me at work today and said, "I just wanted to give this to you and say thanks."  It was a little card.  I thanked her and she smiled and walked away.  I opened it, and it was a bouquet of Hallmark flowers that said "Thank you" and inside was a handwritten note that read, "Thank you for your service!  You are appreciated!"  There was no signature and I did not recognize the girl who handed it to me.  It was rather sweet, actually.  A random act of kindness that I will be sure to pay forward somehow.  I do wonder what the story is behind it, though.  Hmmmm.

I am missing a friend DJing at a local bar tonight.  The thought of sitting in a bar right now sounds so dreadful to me.  Will I ever shake this funk of being a homebody?

On a far-out stretched note, I have been listening to this song again recently.  I think it may just be the most perfect rock-n-roll delivery.  Optimism, fun chord changes, and an explosively positive ending chorus:

'How does it feeeeeel to be loooooo-ooooo-oooooved?
How does it feeel to beeee looooo-oooo-ooooooved?'



Perfection.

Frozen through and through

Ah!  Eeh!  Achoo!

This time last year it was eighty degrees!  Eighty degrees!  It's craziness!  Wind chill today was about 10 degrees.  Ten degrees!  Oh when winter lingers like this it makes everyone more and more crabby as each frozen day continues...

My world of books and movies and music is keeping me company.  Picked up the new David Bowie. Three cheap Miramax movies: Malena, Italian for Beginners, and Map of the Human Heart.  Went to see Stoker, complete with Korean subtitles.  Watched The Painted Veil.  Reading American Heiress and The Marriage Plot.  How does my brain handle all this at once?  I dunno, but I love it.  And tomorrow I will run off for my Wednesday library jaunt and pick up more more more!

Maybe I should write helpful reviews for all this stuff.  Perhaps someday.

Other than that, my current pleasure is helping customers who think I'm a GENIUS when I google an answer for them.  I oughtta change my name badge to Nikkipedia.

In Another Time...

In another time
from Sade's new album Soldier of Love


(currently playing on rotation at work and this song fills my mind when the day is long....)


You'll be surprised girl,
Soon they will mean nothing to you
They will fall into their own brew
And take down some of the boys
With them too
There's nothing
nothing that you have to do
In another time girl
Tears wont leave a trace
In another time girl
In another place
You were down girl,
Their whispers are hailstones in your face
So tired of waiting
For something to change
They don't know what to do with
something so good
But you wouldn't hurt them,
you wouldn't hurt them if you could
One of these days they gonna fall into their brew
And they will know exactly what they did to you
Darling I just want you to know
Your tears wont leave a trace,
In another time girl,
In another time girl
in another place

some 2009 nikki picks

another year in music over and gone. i made my annual compilation for some friends and co-workers featuring some of my fave releases from the year. and a final Michael Jackson bow. the track list is as follows:

1. Rowe Jukebox Promo / The Buckinghams from 2131 South Michigan Avenue 60s Garage & Psychedelia from U.S.A. and Destination Records
2. Out At Sea / Heartless Bastards
3. Good Man / Heavy Trash
4. People Got A Lotta Nerve / Neko Case
5. Periodically Triple or Double / Yo La Tengo
6. Wilco (The Song) / Wilco
7. Lifs (Don't Mean Nothin') / Michael & The Messengers from 2131 South Michigan Avenue 60s Garage & Psychedelia from U.S.A. and Destination Records
8. Black Hearted Love / PJ Harvey & John Parish
9. Ten Thousand Words / Avett Brothers
10. I Feel A Change Comin' On / Bob Dylan
11. Inspiration Information /Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings from Dark Was The Night, a Red Hot compilation
12. She Wolf/ Shakira
13. Over It / Dinosaur Jr.
14. Malibu Gas Station / Sonic Youth
15. Hey Snow White / The New Pornographers from Dark Was The Night, a Red Hot compilation
16. For Beginners / M. Ward
17. Taller Children / Elizabeth & The Catapult
18. Soul Finger / Oscar Hamod & The Majestics from 2131 South Michigan Avenue 60s Garage & Psychedelia from U.S.A. and Destination Records
19. Gypsy [Live] / Shakira
20. That's What Your Love Gets / Heavy Trash
21. Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough / Michael Jackson

And after I put this together and learned the news of Vic Chesnutt's death, I will consider this my hidden bonus track. One of my favorite old tunes from the West of Rome album:





RIP Vic.