Some basic thoughts...

As I watch events unfold each time there is bad stuff happening in the name of shared group beliefs, I feel I need to do much more in this world.

Every human being needs to feel like he or she matters or feels they belong somewhere.  And when they subscribe to a group that does pure evil, how terrible that they were brought to such thinking because they lacked the basic thing in life: to feel valued.  This goes for the gang violence in my own city, the groups throughout the world willing to ignore the beauty of life in attempts to scare and control, and individuals who became too isolated.

I can't believe some of the stuff I read on the Internet, that humans have become so callous to life and to the idea of brotherhood and sisterhood.

My words here are small, but they are written in an earnest attempt to be a Helper.  

The world needs more sanctuary, not more fuel for the madness of anger, hate and violence.

Trying Trying Trying

There seems to be a whole lot of people who cannot fathom (nor even remotely care) how the other half lives. 

I'm sick and tired of the inequality. 

It doesn't make any sense.

It doesn't make any sense that salaries are so divided, and that the people at the top don't even think the people at the bottom matter.  Don't those fools know the people at the bottom make everything at the top peak of their mountain possible?

I am struggling with career because no matter what I do or say, I can't keep a steady staff because the attitude of working retail for peanuts and scraps depresses the hell out of young kids who spent all their money on college.  I can't manage a staff who is perpetually looking for new work.  It's extreme insanity.

The apathy that is out there is frightening.

Meanwhile, I try to coordinate new and fresh endeavors in my life but they keep falling through the cracks because at the end of the day, I run out of energy.

Then there's a whole team of independent be-your-own-boss hard workers sharing their dreams with the whole world on social media, and the gap between working for 'others' and working for 'self' becomes a wide valley with no way to get across the treacherous divide.

How did the modern workplace get so damn stressful?

Now let's flip the coin to the other side.

Apparently, somebody whispered to me once that there was a whole band of people who were rooting for me.  I'd like to know who or what or where those people are, and why don't they connect realistically with me instead of stalking and spying and USING ME for God Knows What agenda.  I mean, how does all that work?  Rooting for a person does absolutely no good.  Action and COMMUNICATION requires logical work.  Partnership.  Collaboration.  An honest reaching out and a lending, caring hand.

I've hit a serious depression, and I absolutely hate my life.  Nothing makes any sense, and I'm about to schedule an appointment with my psychiatrist to ask to be doped up some more.  Because I just want to feel numb again.  I hope if someone calls me for an interview that they'll be able to see the real, hard-working me and not the zombie.

Focus and determination

Those are the words that came up in my art therapy group piece last week.

Focus

And

Determination

I've already discussed with my therapist how writing and mania are intertwined for me, so I have to be careful.  I have so many ideas, observations, beliefs, theories, philosophies and ideals that I want to express, and at times they come roaring out of me like the TGV trains of France.

I've worked so hard my whole life, suffered through more than a few nervous breakdowns and hardships, and picked myself back up each time and returned Full Speed Ahead (or as much as possible while taking psychiatric medications.)

I'm in a leadership position at work at the moment, where I am required to continuously motivate and inspire staff.  Performing this role in a retail environment has forced me to block out all the critical voices that have inadvertently placed judgment on me for not being able to achieve a mightier role in life.

I was always taught to take pride in whatever job you find yourself doing, no matter what it is.  Maintaining this healthy trait lessens depression and anxiety, and gives me courage to teach this belief to younger staff who are frustrated at life post college.

Gettin by...

I submitted my first writing piece to a professional to look over and give me feedback.  I know it's not a perfect piece and there are errors and improvements to work on, but I hope it's got some good qualities that have potential.

And that's kind of how I feel about life in general.

Work stress is going to kill me slowly.  It's most challenging being the buffer between business owners and jaded staff because they can be so goddamn rude.  How hard is it for a business owner to say 'Hi, how's the day?' to an employee.

Rudeness is just the worst.  Life is hard, and people are struggling and very few have it made and life's easy.  Kindness goes a long way in this long life.

Sagas

Tired.  Feeling frustrated.  But can't give up nor won't give up.  I feel:

1) boring

2) lacking talent

3) like I don't belong anywhere

4) rejected

5) stuck

These are five miserable things to feel, so I'm trying to chisel away at the sculpture that is my life.  The angst of my youth has not left, and I wonder if it's because I dealt with tough stuff youngsters shouldn't have had to deal with...or if it's my own limitations at work?

How does one come to terms with his or her limitations that coincide with a chronic mental health condition?

musical interludes

All aboard the Express Kundalini!

Moving forward

I found someone who is going to help me write professionally.  That's a good thing, as every time I've sat down to try and write I get overwhelmed by where to begin.  Also, I'll have therapeutic guidance if mania begins to intertwine with a creative project.  It will also be good to focus each week with someone who understands my limitations.  

All good stuff on the horizon.

Mental Health Care in the US

As I go through my own experiences and gather courage to speak UP and speak OUT about advocating for mental health IMPORTANCE, I know what has WORKED for me, and what has NOT WORKED for me.

Not everyone is helped solely by medication.  Some might be, but not everyone.  Medication is a very tricky thing, which requires a good communication with a psychiatrist.  Not just any old practicioner.

Therapy can be extremely helpful, but a patient can't be forced into it.  Just as admitting there is a problem can be a difficult first step, opening up with a new stranger in one's life can be a terribly daunting experience.  I think a good method for me to 'break the ice' would have been introductory art therapy.  A new mental health patient needs to feel like something great will be accomplished in this new method.  It needs to not feel like one is being scolded or judged.

Support groups are amazing, but I think it's also a tough thing to start up.  One has to be careful about details and specifics in order to maintain a sense of privacy with a very personal struggle.  I think support groups help for the seasoned patients with some experience under their belts.

Trust is EVERYTHING in mental health.  So is safety.  One needs SAFE REFUGE when seeking help.  This requires mental health professionals who are caring, non-judgemental, and calm.  It also requires mental health professionals who don't treat mental illness like an experiment.  Yes, there is much more to learn about our human minds and our connections to one another, but safety is important.  That is why confidentiality is required.  I don't trust that new students in teaching hospitals are always 'committed' to that principle...

Spirituality is a good, practical way to maintain hope, especially in the depths of depression.  Being in tune with our consciousness and how we treat other people is being aware of our spiritual being.  Imagine if all of society were aware of how their actions affected others and not driven by Self Needs Alone!  But the judgment that goes along with various religions and archaic thoughts on the mentally ill creates a barrier and wall of limitations.  It also furthers the negative stigma that is SO, SO harmful.  I don't want to go into too much detail about this right now, but it suffices to say that 95% of mentally ill peers I have met are peaceful human beings who are not harmful to society like the fear currently perpetuates when we bring this up over and over in our troubles with gun violence in this country.

I hope to be able to write more professionally down the road about more of these developing insights, but these are my initial thoughts.

Untitled

Well since yesterday's post I've been mulling over more of judgy people judging.  There are many caring people in this city, and there many caring people in this world.

With caring people is where I want to be.

Paranoia is one of the worst afflictions to live with yet at times, I feel like negative people walking around live with the common suspicion that opponents everywhere are out to beat them at this really long, drawn out game called life.

Unwanted attention

As I adjust to my normal, stable life again I am faced with bouts of paranoia.  Everything is manageable except this paranoia.  Sometimes I wonder if a change of scenery would help, or if the paranoia would just continue to trail behind.

I try to focus each day on little steps which bring me a sense of calm, but sometimes a feeling overcomes me that I am being judged.  Over and over and over again, I am being poked and prodded with judgement.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do, what I'm supposed to say, or what I'm supposed to be.

I wish I could go back in time and disappear.  I wish I could go back in time and stay in a foreign country, because I just don't know what is expected of me.  I am nothing to be focused on, and I will continue to do small work in mental health support....because it's the only safe place I know these days.