Networks of support

I still feel like I kind of have to live a double life with mental health issues.  It's not as if I need to unload every single traumatic event that has ever occurred in my life publicly, but it is important to feel connected to those who perhaps know the depths of depression or the frightening heights of mania.  It's important to know others have walked down similar roads, where they'd have to step away from life and navigate the halls of a psych ward for a few weeks until reckless thoughts are replaced with functioning, stable mental processes.

As far as relationships go, I often think about ways to suggest to loved ones how they might go about offering support to someone in the midst of a mental health crisis.  I've thought a lot about it in fact, and here are a few things:

1) Visit your friend or loved one during visiting hours in the psych ward, don't just gossip about them with your friends and family in their absence. Just go and play a game of scrabble with them, or bring them a nice personal care item like a lavender hand cream that uplifts their spirit.  BE THERE.  I know it's hard to see someone there, but just go and visit.

2) When visiting, don't diss the doctors or offer your opinions about every tiny facet of the mental health system.  Creating a feeling of dissatisfaction or even feeding fear for your friend or loved one just makes them feel hopeless and confused and scared.  Support.  Just offer support.  Sometimes the psych ward is the best place for them....

3) Let the professionals do their job, and give your friend or loved one space to sort through their own feelings.  There will be plenty of time down the road to advocate and help them discover helpful tools to cope, as well as make medication adjustments as needed.

These are just a few things that I wish I would have had.  Don't say things like, "you're on your own with that shit."

For the love of God, don't say that.

Outlook

I have to keep reminding myself of my successes and to not feel let down by the limitations that mental health troubles bring.

It's easy to dwell on the sadness that labels bring, but once you can find that space to give empowerment a try, I think things can start to turn around.

It's important to find supports.  I have a few, but I'm working on trying to find more.  It's not easy, but I won't give up.

Perspective

Oh dear.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I am still struggling in life and age 40 is right around the corner.  I do the therapy, I take my job seriously, I pay my bills on time, I go to support groups, I try and reach out, I try and be a good friend.

I don't have any brilliant million dollar ideas to achieve any success.  I try and write, like really write and I don't mean on this dumb mental health blog, but nothing ever comes of it.

Still, in retrospect, I am doing better than I once was.  I'm not overloaded on pills, where I went to bed at 7:30pm for two whole years because my goofy former psychiatrist told me I needed to sleep.  I'm not suicidal or even get close to that point like I once was many moons ago (for that I blamed the very wrong med combo I was on.)  And I actually don't mind going to psychiatrist appointments because he respects me.  Heck, I might have even been a positive role model for a few young ladies I've managed at the shop in recent years.

But I'm not content.  I still deal with financial distress.  I still shudder in fear and anxiety and probably always will due to the effects of early childhood and adolescent trauma and violence.

Sigh.

Difficulties

Today is just a tough day.  That is all I want to say for now.

Societal Manifesto for today

How about when I struggle with staffing and scheduling and attendance and performance issues with staff in retail, that people don't reply to my venting with:

"Ugh, you really just need to get out of retail."

That friends instead choose to say:

"I really respect and appreciate your hard work.  Every time I go to the grocery store, or Target, or Starbucks, or any store for that matter, I think about how challenging your job must be and how valued you are for continuously instilling really important work values in young employees learning how to contribute positive things to the public."

How about that?

Opting out of negativity

As someone who has survived deep depression with the help of professionals and peers, I've learned to limit my time with negativity.  Obviously there is so much cynicism and jaded reasoning in the world, as well as precise mean-spiritedness.  That's no big news to anyone.  When I delve into the underlying reasons why it's there for some reason through genuine conversation and listening, I have learned to separate the negativity from the person just a tad bit.

I've found that people who go through tremendously rough things in their lives, whether they are classified as traumas or not, respond with either introspection or indifference.  The introspection and mindfulness practices become a way of life.  The indifference can often lead to general pointing fingers at everyone else's mistakes, where the negativity and blame becomes the essence of each day.

I wish these two extremes could find common ground.  While criticism is essential to our growth, it's really destructive when we don't connect thosereasons for constant criticism and opinion with our abilities to contribute something a bit more positive.

Collaborating.  Why is it so hard for certain people?

Anger, resentment, disgust, mistrust.  I've been driven by those things at certain moments.  But what I have found to be a better solution, at least in my own journey through life, is to take the empathic road.

Nothing at all to do with self-awareness, but just Awareness in general.

1 year after a cancer diagnosis

Had my annual mammogram today.  I opted for a single mastectomy last year rather than bilateral because I spoke to a dozen breast cancer survivors who didn't choose the bilateral (double) option because, well, it seemed drastic.  They've been cancer free for many, many years.

Surely it probably eliminates what nervousness I endured today as they performed imaging of my existing other side.  Mammograms are about as pleasant as root canals.  But BAM!  Got the all clear:

Normal.

My oncologist expressed her amazement at how well I've handled this past year, and how more younger women are receiving a breast cancer diagnosis and how great it would be if I could talk to them. As I've told others, dealing with the mental health industry has prepared me for any future hardship.  I know what to do for support, and by golly, I know how to PROPERLY support others.

It's more than just caring about someone from a distance.  It's being there for someone that will help them get through.

Not just with cancer, but with all mentally exhausting hardships.  Including mental health crises.

Trying new things

So I've started online coursework and I find it very stimulating.  It interesting to me, and it's teaching me skills for something I'd like to try doing in the future.

Life in retail is tough, mostly due to sluggish sales and lack of support from shoppers.  I've approached shopgirl life from many different angles, and it's tough.  Not 'good' challenging, but 'grim' challenging in that you can pull out many tricks from the top hat and still not find success.

When I was little, I wanted to run my own import store.  I wanted to travel to find my wares, meet interesting people and artisans from around the world, and gave interesting stories to discuss with customers back home as they shop for the perfect gift.

I love the art of gift giving.  And I love the art of treasure hunting.  Not just shopping and consumerism for profit, but the art behind connecting with people.

As a lonely child, that was all I wanted: to connect genuinely with people, and maybe even make some friends along the way.

So I'm going to stick with this new learning and certification endeavor and pray and work my hardest for success.  

Just once I'd like to succeed at something and be good at something.

Brrrr!

Winter.  Bitter cold.  Rather than hibernate I'm keeping busy.  I'm doing my best juggling balancing acts with as much poise as I can muster up while I shiver from the subzero windchill.

I'm still climbing the side of the Mental Health plateau and man oh man I cannot wait to stand on that old plateau where the view is calming, stilling, and comforting not just for me but for others who have struggled with difficulties in the hands of mental illness.

The bigger conversation about mental health has begun, and it's about damn time.  The more bravery I see from individuals openly discussing their struggles with mental illness, the more peace I feel.  Our connectivity to one another is not always that of mad crushes or mad hate in the gossip trains speeding through technological universes.  Our shared vulnerabilities in coming to terms with our most troubling moments in our lives deepens our human bonds.  

At least that's what I hope for.

Hello 2016

Last year was one of the most difficult years I've ever had, but not THE most difficult year.

Having a mastectomy was much easier than having a mental breakdown.

Just saying....