Writing frankly about depression...

I recognize the patterns of my "illness" more than I have in the past nowadays.  I just get so damn frustrated because I cannot tell what is happening organically and what are just byproducts of all these damn pills.  I had to get off one that was giving me panic attacks, but in order to do this, I had to increase my dosage on a different pill because the withdrawal symptoms were just terrible.  I've been working with doctors and have been doing everything with their supervision.  Mostly because the very last place I ever want to go is that damn hospital.  Those hospitals CAUSE PTSD!!  I am now working with my doctor to slowly taper off my bloody seroquel and it's brutal.  I've never abused street drugs but I imagine coming off of some of those things is what getting off some of these psychiatric drugs might be like.  Simultaneously, I am also trying to kick Ativan but I can't seem to go three days without popping one before bed.  Ugh.  One acquaintance even told me her old roommate had to go to rehab to get off prescribed medications.  It's ALL SO DAMN DEPRESSING!

Without even opening up about my personal experiences, my new coworkers are all taking assorted psychiatric drugs and have had all sorts of troubles and hospitalizations as well!  WHY AREN'T MORE PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT THIS STUFF?!?!

Ugh, I get so frustrated.  Part of me wants to jump in and help....volunteer...speak about my experiences...ANYTHING.  But the other part of me still can't figure out just what is RIGHT in this big mess that is the mental health field.  Do I believe in the pills?  Not at the moment.  Do I believe in psychotherapy?  Yes, to a certain extent.  But I think one needs to take a breather from it, too, at times.  I seem to have the same talk over and over again lately...to try for another pregnancy or not?  It's heavy heavy HEAVY in my heart, mind, body and soul.  I guess a 37th birthday can do that to a woman. Men are lucky that way....they can just go out and find a younger woman...

BLAH.  Anyway....

My sleep is not good.  I have crazy dreams that make me feel panicked while I'm asleep.  One is a recurring theme that I can't keep my college class schedule straight and I keep walking into the wrong lecture hall at the wrong time.  The other is a second job that I keep forgetting to go to.  Sometimes they get crazy and more crazy.  So trippy I can't even remember.  I vaguely remember one about not having a valid passport to leave the country and some office assistant was trying to expedite it for me.  I woke up thinking, "OH MY GOD!  I REALLY DO NEED TO GET A NEW PASSPORT!" and even took the next step to see what I had to do to go about getting a new one.  But I put it on the back burner because I don't have any friggin' vacation days to use and it will be a long time before I do again.

Sigh.  Those moments when REALITY stunts one's creative ability to escape through writing, painting and crafts are among the most sensitive.  When one's 'fuel' overcomes him or her...that's when it's most difficult.

Life is hard.  That's about all I have to say right about now.

Joyeux anniversaire....

Well I made it.  Made it to 37 years old.  Life has been nothing of what I thought it might be but it's not all that bad.  I have a roof over my head, food to eat, family and friends who love me, and a full time job.  I wish I had money to travel a bit more, didnt have to deal with depression and swallow pills everyday, and could lose all this weight I've put on, but I'm working on those things.

I was able to forget my stressors for a few days and celebrated for four days in a row!!

Day 1:  The parents drove up and we visited a new shopping center and I found some treats.  Went to the casino and enjoyed four miniature desserts at the buffet.  I sat down with my dad and gave him $1 bill to play in a quarter slot machine and he won $112!

Day 2:  The mister had the day off work and we did all our favorite things...went to the used book/music store, saw a movie, shopped and dined at Lou Malnati's aka Best Pizza in the Nation.

Day 3:  After work, dined on chicken pot pie in Wicker Park.

Day 4:  After work, sampled assorted beers and ate The Big Cheezy burger at my favorite Lincoln Square joint.  And ten minutes into our meal, a couple was seated next to us and it was my old coworker friend whom I hadn't seen in six years!  Lovely dinner together.

And voilá!  On a bien fêté!

I sometimes wish life could be more exciting or something.  But c'est la vie.  I can't always take five months off from life and wander around Paris.  But I am so glad i did just that when I could, so that on those 'boring' days i have memories to last toujours...

Impressionism, Fashion, and Modernity

I spent the most lovely afternoon at the Art Institute, hopping around to visit some of my old faves and taking a peek at the Impressionism, Paris, Fashion, etc exhibition which is going on through September.  I usually shy away from the big blockbuster shows because it's usually so crowded one can't even get close enough to read the curatorial blurbs about the artworks.  But I packed all my patience and curiosity to weave through the crowds and enjoyed it all so much.  I absolutely fell in love with this one:

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Shop_Girl_(Tissot)

....because there is so much going on, so many stories and sights to take in every day while keepin' shop.  It makes me smile when I encounter a painting that looks back at me like a mirror of sorts.

I remember visiting a museum in Rouen while I was staying there for a few months and catching my first glimpse of the old corsets made of iron. Quelle horreur!!  What various degrees of beauty we surpass over the eras...and how do these trends even begin?  How did the corsets and bustles aesthetics come to fruition?  Did it start in an instant with one very first painting depicting this new found 'beauty' in its image?  Especially after an era of the more 'plump' and natural images of women were recreated in paintings for so many years before?  It's just amazing to me how sometimes what seems such a superficial fashion trend can depict so much more as you start to discuss and peel away the layers...

I cannot comprehend all the modern fashion trends and the rage...the sensation...that they all create.  I look at fashion magazines and see clips of the runway.  I don't always get the appeal.  And I am certain I am not alone in this thought.  My very first trip I took by myself to Paris as a teen opened my eyes to a whole new idea of expressing oneself through individual style.  I remember standing in line in Passeport Controle at Orly and Betsey Johnson was standing next to me.  I remember the Parisian girl my age directing me to the baggage claim turnstyle and her red patent leather platforms.  Fashion is such a small detail in the big grand scheme of life and all things of utmost importance....but it certainly blends together to help create an experience.

Le mois d'aout

It's the second day of August, and summer is flying by so fast.  I've been working a lot, spending a lot and walking a lot.  Actually, I'm not spending nearly as much as other people i know, but for me, it's substantial.  I purged lots of old clothes and am making room for the new.  I got a raise and a promotion, so really I ought to be smart and save save save.  But I guess it's been a while since I've been able to treat myself and so I am doing just that.

Hello green Fly London wedges!  Minnetonka fringe sandals!  Caroline Gardner reed diffuser!  Skunkfunk bag!  Orla Kiely book bag!  Thrift store books!  Criterion movies!  Oh me oh me oh my!  Can I just say that everything but the Fly Londons were deeply discounted?

I took a stroll downtown today, fighting all the crowds from that big old three-day music festival that hits Chicago each summer.  I remember when that L word festival was truly an alternative outing during the oh so alternative nineties.  My how things have changed. I was talking to a younger employee the other day about the olden days.  Haha.  It's funny that I've reached that point in my life where the youngins ask me questions about those days of yore...

I had an enjoyable day at that other three day music festival that hits Chicago each summer.  The P one. I was surprised to discover how much I thoroughly enjoyed hearing The Breeders perform the 1993 album Last Splash.  Took me back.

Happy August.