music (just for fun)

Wish i weren't so sensitive...

...but then again how could I keep an eye out for my fellow sensitive beings each day?

What I mean is this: I tried to go out and have a ball last night.  I went dancing.  Wore some shoes with just the right amount of slip and just the right amount of traction so I could move comfortably on the dancefloor.  I enjoyed a glass of wine, danced and chatted with some acquaintances and enjoyed the music.  I really was looking forward to the night out for a few days....as I've gone in the past and had a really rip-roaring safe time.

I mean all I really wanted to do was have some fun and not 'think.'

But I get overcome with 'things.'  I went to sit down and cool off, and someone had taken our table.  So I ended up on the edge of a crowded seat and just sat and watched the crowds.  I watched people get wasted, watched a club regular talk to my friend and surmise that he was totally wacked out on drugs.  I watched for a bit, then decided I ought to look at the time.  Found out my usual bus route had been cut and was no longer 24 hours so I decided to leave to navigate myself home.  I didn't know how long it was gonna take and I hate blowing money on expensive cabs.

I'm rarely out that late, but the things I encountered made me sad.  I felt more and more depressed as I journeyed home.  I let it all affect me so much.  The people strung out on drugs.  The homeless.  I hit my low at the train stop, where I watched a little toddler at 2am with his drugged out mom.  He was 2, and he was leading her and talking to her.  She was trying to push a stroller down to the exit and almost ran off the edge into the tracks.  She couldn't speak, was barefoot, makeup runny as it appeared she had just shot up or something.  I wasn't looking too closely.  But my heart was watchful over the little boy.  She reached the escalator and couldn't figure out how to go up.  The little boy, after a few minutes had passed, went on his own and walked up a full flight of stairs.  He made it to safety, for that moment in time.

I guess what I'm getting at is How Can I Be Happy and Carefree when there is SO MUCH of this stuff going on all around me?  Addiction and crime and kids not being in safe hands....Why Does It Affect Me and Cripple Me with Sadness?  I can't turn a blind eye and ignore it!  I feel like I need to help somehow. 

To whomever it may concern who made big grand plans for me (I'm not talking about God's plans for me...I'm talking about human creatures who meddled with my life): try to see the world as I see it sometime.  It's not the glorious world of riches and fame and glory and high society and privilege that I seek.  I'm uncomfortable with that and would NEVER belong up there!  There are a tremendous number of people out there hurting and in need of help.  There is poverty.  I haven't figured out a way I can jump in and roll up my sleeves just yet.  But I'm working on it.  I'm not trying to 'burn bridges' or 'let people down' because I am angry at your high 'artistic' expectations of me (or whatever), or your wishes for me and what I'm capable of in your eyes.  I'm trying to do the right thing.  And the right thing sometimes means walking towards the things in life that bring forth meaning and walking away from the things in life that just aren't meant for me.

I'm NOT a fairy tale princess.  I'm a hard worker, and a defender of sensitive beings.

Welp

I can't change the past.

I can't change the outcome of the game of Chinese Telephone that was played with my life.

I can't change the fact that odd, unwarranted (is that the word I want to use?) attention was cast in my direction.  

I'll never understand it.  I'll never understand why.  They all just zipped their lip, and I'm stuck witnessing the aftermath I sense or uncover from time to time.  

C'est la vie.

Music

Ways to be a friend to someone dealing with depression

I've felt extreme isolation at times dealing with mental health issues.  I've faced judgment, felt misunderstood and felt weak so I've often kept things to myself or in the confines of a therapist's office.  I wish I had more friends with whom I could feel comfortable bringing up the subject but I really don't have much of that in my life at the moment.  Loved ones I've turned to have often dismissed Mental Illness and explained it as being a temporary, situational circumstance that will pass as soon as I 'get on the right path.'  I have a strong feeling that this belief is quite common.  The fact of the matter is that many people still do not believe mental illness to be a real illness.

Here's what I wish I could tell the world:

1. I wish I could talk openly and easily about effects of my medication with a friend.  The side effects can be just as excruciating as the depression or anxiety itself at times and what a relief it would be to be able to tell a friend, 'Hey, I am feeling Akathisia with this med I'm taking and I think I need to sit somewhere quiet for a minute and do some deep breathing.'

2. When something difficult has been brought up in talk therapy, I wish I had a friend to just mention it to who would just sit with me and be present in the moment with me.  I don't necessarily need to talk about it all over again, I just need someone else to know I'm feeling really fragile and vulnerable and having someone sit with me would be of great comfort.

3.  Having a motivator who understands my limitations would be helpful and inspiring to me in my darkest moments.  Sometimes the depression is so debilitating that I cannot leave the house.  But as the depression starts to lift with talk therapy, possible med tweaks and art/group therapies, I'd like a motivator around to say, 'Hey, the sun is shining and let's take a walk outside for a bit.'

4.  When the debilitating parts of the illness hit, I wish someone would ask, 'Hey, do you need any company?  Are you up for a game of scrabble?  How about dinner at your favorite Moroccan place - Take out?'

5.  I wish the workplace could develop a safe place to explain troubles with mental health as they coincide with stressors being caused by incidents at the workplace.  Some kind of sensitivity training for an appointed supervisor of some sort.  I know of many people taking anti-anxiety medications to deal with the stressors of the workplace.

The point is: when the Mental Illness brings about an episode, most 'friends' don't realize the suffering of ISOLATION taking place.  The tendency to steer clear is pretty common.  Obviously every person living with mental illness is quite different with different needs.  But from the peers I've met through support groups and group therapies, I've heard from many how the feelings of isolation bring forth pain.  Being PRESENT in a friend's life can be of great assistance.  Even if you don't feel like you know the most appropriate things to say, offering peaceful friendship and companionship is an amazing support in and of itself.

These are only my thoughts on the subject matter, and for what it's worth, I speak with years of experience...

Bad poem #1

Shenanigans and stupid shit

Bother me sometimes

Like a pesky mosquito

Buzzing in my ear

Swatting at my head

Bam!  Got it!

But then my ear starts ringing

Hours later

As I try to sleep

Why must you buzz

And manipulate

And talkandtalkandtalk

I didn't sign up for it

I didn't ask for it

But BAM PRESTO KAZAM!

It's there

Buzzing in my ear

Driving me insane

I hope someone out there's happy

Cause I sure ain't

Blocked

Am I in The Truman Show and everything I do and say is being broadcast 24/7?

Am I stuck in the spiderwebs of a scheme?

What are people expecting me to do, say, think, feel?  

Where did I sign up for that?  

Does somebody want to trade places with me?  Because I certainly am fighting depression as I move through my circumstances each day.  It's not pleasant.

Praying for kindness and sincerity and support from the people I interact with daily.  I'm exhausted.  Absolutely exhausted.  I want to feel like myself again, not someone who is perpetually on trial with over analysis.

Peace.