...but then again how could I keep an eye out for my fellow sensitive beings each day?
What I mean is this: I tried to go out and have a ball last night. I went dancing. Wore some shoes with just the right amount of slip and just the right amount of traction so I could move comfortably on the dancefloor. I enjoyed a glass of wine, danced and chatted with some acquaintances and enjoyed the music. I really was looking forward to the night out for a few days....as I've gone in the past and had a really rip-roaring safe time.
I mean all I really wanted to do was have some fun and not 'think.'
But I get overcome with 'things.' I went to sit down and cool off, and someone had taken our table. So I ended up on the edge of a crowded seat and just sat and watched the crowds. I watched people get wasted, watched a club regular talk to my friend and surmise that he was totally wacked out on drugs. I watched for a bit, then decided I ought to look at the time. Found out my usual bus route had been cut and was no longer 24 hours so I decided to leave to navigate myself home. I didn't know how long it was gonna take and I hate blowing money on expensive cabs.
I'm rarely out that late, but the things I encountered made me sad. I felt more and more depressed as I journeyed home. I let it all affect me so much. The people strung out on drugs. The homeless. I hit my low at the train stop, where I watched a little toddler at 2am with his drugged out mom. He was 2, and he was leading her and talking to her. She was trying to push a stroller down to the exit and almost ran off the edge into the tracks. She couldn't speak, was barefoot, makeup runny as it appeared she had just shot up or something. I wasn't looking too closely. But my heart was watchful over the little boy. She reached the escalator and couldn't figure out how to go up. The little boy, after a few minutes had passed, went on his own and walked up a full flight of stairs. He made it to safety, for that moment in time.
I guess what I'm getting at is How Can I Be Happy and Carefree when there is SO MUCH of this stuff going on all around me? Addiction and crime and kids not being in safe hands....Why Does It Affect Me and Cripple Me with Sadness? I can't turn a blind eye and ignore it! I feel like I need to help somehow.
To whomever it may concern who made big grand plans for me (I'm not talking about God's plans for me...I'm talking about human creatures who meddled with my life): try to see the world as I see it sometime. It's not the glorious world of riches and fame and glory and high society and privilege that I seek. I'm uncomfortable with that and would NEVER belong up there! There are a tremendous number of people out there hurting and in need of help. There is poverty. I haven't figured out a way I can jump in and roll up my sleeves just yet. But I'm working on it. I'm not trying to 'burn bridges' or 'let people down' because I am angry at your high 'artistic' expectations of me (or whatever), or your wishes for me and what I'm capable of in your eyes. I'm trying to do the right thing. And the right thing sometimes means walking towards the things in life that bring forth meaning and walking away from the things in life that just aren't meant for me.
I'm NOT a fairy tale princess. I'm a hard worker, and a defender of sensitive beings.
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