Les jours de decembre

Well, a few things.  Firstly, I am stressed TO THE MAX with job security issues.  There's that whole push to shop local and shop small, but I don't know if the general population really understands WHY.  Most people these days prefer to shop online, where the workers processing their high dollar transaction totals are most likely earning a minimum wage to fund those rock bottom warehouse prices.  Online shopping is not contributing to a COMMUNITY nor supporting local jobs.  So yeah.  There's that.

Secondly, I have high anxiety levels and am back to relying on Ativan to get me to sleep each night.

Thirdly, I have wanderlust and although my husband doesn't share it, I'm planning some trips as soon as I can pinpoint the best fare.  I'm even looking into airline careers to see if I can become a frequent traveler again because a fantastic trip is really the ONLY thing that pulls me out of bipolar depressive episodes.  Somehow, when I enter into a foreign country I am no longer a mentally ill career-stalled loser, but I become a happy little butterfly on a soul-enriching new journey who doesn't even think a smidge about tragedy or adversity.

Fourthly, I am fighting here to get through this life in one piece.  When the therapist talks me down from my catastrophic talks about drifting from job to job and how this crushes my core everyday, I am battling to feel WORTH and that I matter somehow.  

It's December and if my economist grandfather were still around to talk, he'd let up on me now that he understood my earlier struggles in life when I couldn't get through college.  And if grandmere Mimi were around she would cry with me and smooth my hair out of my face to let me know she understood depression and frustration.  I'm hoping they can come along to guide me some because some days I just don't know what to do.