The Answers I'll Never Find

Since being diagnosed with a mental illness in 2003, I have dealt with five medical leaves from three different jobs.  While this fifth current medical leave is due to breast cancer, I still find myself reflecting on oh so much.

I use art as my therapy.  Paintings and collage and mixed media projects help me cope with all sorts of emotions.  While they don't necessarily answer any of my questions, they help pose important questions.

People have woven their way in and out of my life.  Some get close, some are there for me, while others keep a safe distance.  I don't quite understand what is so dangerous about me that they feel so compelled to keep a 'safe distance,' but perhaps that's more of an insecurity in their part rather than mine?

If anything, I find myself grateful for my freedom.  I find myself grateful for my artistic freedom.  I've never achieved any success with writing.  I've never been assigned an editor who encourages me to change my story or further develop a character.  I've never had a music executive dictate what will breed more success on my next album submission.  I've never been controlled by a publicist, who speaks for me and advises me what I can or cannot do or say or think or feel. Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe it's not really like that.  But it's what I currently perceive the creative world to be.

So I guess I'll be grateful for my freedom.     I don't have the talent that our STARS possess, but I do have insight.  It's the insight that propels my silly art pieces that I create.  Guess I'll keep going with it.  Because I don't quite know what else to do with myself.