I have 11 shifts left in the bookstore and have already begun my new role in fashion. Once a shopgirl, always a shopgirl, but going from Criterion movie conversations to accessorizing are completely different worlds. It's an adjustment, for sure. But I am hopeful it will be a welcome change.
I am sad about leaving the bookstore realm, and especially sad to leave behind the colorful cast of characters that have been my customers and have become my friends. I am going to miss the snobby classical customers who are repeatedly impressed that I can spell Haydn and Rachmaninov. I am going to miss Alan the jazz enthusiast who tells me about all the latest government conspiracy theories. I am going to miss Betty who thinks I am a GENIUS when I can google the cause of death of all her favorite old actors. I will miss Andrew and his penchant for softcore gay male porn that he hides from his mom. And my train enthusiast customer who asks me if I'm still taking the trains every Saturday night. It's going to be a different world. My only hope is that my next collection of customers is just as endearing.
Parting is such sweet sorrow. Tear.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
the cost of a compliment
So I don't talk about it much to anyone at all, but I have been seeing a therapist for the last two years. I have gone through all kinds of phases reconciling the value of therapy, but I would definitely say it has helped me. The extent of my discussion about it before this interweb blog posting is to jokingly call the Mr. when I get home and exclaim, "I'm home from therapy and I'm alllllll healed!"
I was assigned a therapist after my first hospitalization for bipolar depression (or whatever they labeled it at that time) back in 2003. I complied and attended each session, even though I felt worse every time I left the office. I did so for a few months, and was completely turned off after being assigned a homework type of assignment where I was to present a visual display of my support system. Man, I spent hours on it, and ended up with a really organized sort of family-tree-looking diagram detailing all of my friends and family at the time and what each person represented to me as far as support. Anxious to discuss it at my next session, I sat through what felt like 30 minutes of scolding and not even a small mention of the aforementioned assignment. Time was up, so I brought it up. The therapist looked at it for two seconds and humored me with, "Oh wow! Look how organized you are! Good girl! (or something to that effect)" And that was it. I didn't show up for my next appointment and didn't even call her back after she left me a scathing message for my absence.
But I gave it another go 8 years later, after finishing up an outpatient therapy session and being advised by a therapist there that he didn't see the 'schizoaffective disorder' that the psychiatrist at the time was labeling me and gave me a list of therapists to try. I called a few, and I can't for the life of me remember what made me decide to choose the one I did. But I gave it a go, and I have been attending every two weeks for the past two years now. Tonight, she summarized our two years with a compliment that has calmed me. She looked back at where I was two years ago, jacked up on all kinds of pills that made me sicker, merely existing and shuffling through life, sleeping all the damn time, etc. And presented me with present day:
-I have become my own advocate dealing with psychiatrists and actually got them to listen to my requests regarding some of the horrendous side effects. I now have a life as a result.
-I have bounced back from the rejection of a bad job review in what can sometimes be a harsh corporate world and have developed new skills to bring forth more opportunities (one of which I am starting TOMORROW.)
-I have quit smoking.
-I have properly grieved for the loss of loved ones.
-I have let go of the past and learned to look further into the future than ever before.
-And most importantly, I learned that I have worth, reasons to be confident, intelligence and was even told I have gifts.
I may still struggle a bit as far as the career goes, but I have come a looooong way.
New job tomorrow!
I was assigned a therapist after my first hospitalization for bipolar depression (or whatever they labeled it at that time) back in 2003. I complied and attended each session, even though I felt worse every time I left the office. I did so for a few months, and was completely turned off after being assigned a homework type of assignment where I was to present a visual display of my support system. Man, I spent hours on it, and ended up with a really organized sort of family-tree-looking diagram detailing all of my friends and family at the time and what each person represented to me as far as support. Anxious to discuss it at my next session, I sat through what felt like 30 minutes of scolding and not even a small mention of the aforementioned assignment. Time was up, so I brought it up. The therapist looked at it for two seconds and humored me with, "Oh wow! Look how organized you are! Good girl! (or something to that effect)" And that was it. I didn't show up for my next appointment and didn't even call her back after she left me a scathing message for my absence.
But I gave it another go 8 years later, after finishing up an outpatient therapy session and being advised by a therapist there that he didn't see the 'schizoaffective disorder' that the psychiatrist at the time was labeling me and gave me a list of therapists to try. I called a few, and I can't for the life of me remember what made me decide to choose the one I did. But I gave it a go, and I have been attending every two weeks for the past two years now. Tonight, she summarized our two years with a compliment that has calmed me. She looked back at where I was two years ago, jacked up on all kinds of pills that made me sicker, merely existing and shuffling through life, sleeping all the damn time, etc. And presented me with present day:
-I have become my own advocate dealing with psychiatrists and actually got them to listen to my requests regarding some of the horrendous side effects. I now have a life as a result.
-I have bounced back from the rejection of a bad job review in what can sometimes be a harsh corporate world and have developed new skills to bring forth more opportunities (one of which I am starting TOMORROW.)
-I have quit smoking.
-I have properly grieved for the loss of loved ones.
-I have let go of the past and learned to look further into the future than ever before.
-And most importantly, I learned that I have worth, reasons to be confident, intelligence and was even told I have gifts.
I may still struggle a bit as far as the career goes, but I have come a looooong way.
New job tomorrow!
Ok, so crisis not averted...
Ugh.
So health insurance through the Mr.'s job is going to cost us $440 a month. Well, NEWSFLASH!!! WE DON'T HAVE AN EXTRA $400 A MONTH!!! Yes, I will be getting a few weeks severance pay, but it will only cover a few months. I have agreed to start my new job on my days off from my current job for the next month. And so I am preparing myself for the possibility of working two jobs like I always used to do. The Mr. and I already don't see much of each other, so I reckon this will continue until that new and improved, um, LIFE finally decides to settle into existence.
I know there are MANY suffering much worse circumstances than me. I don't even want to get into suffering and coping strategies. I watch the coverage of those affected by the recent tornadoes in Oklahoma and feel lousy for even mentioning my dilemmas. But dilemma after dilemma with very few breaks or 'luck' is something difficult to endure. Life isn't easy, and nobody ever told me it would be, but man oh man. I sure wish life were 'easy' sometimes.
I have been holding things together for a very long time.
So health insurance through the Mr.'s job is going to cost us $440 a month. Well, NEWSFLASH!!! WE DON'T HAVE AN EXTRA $400 A MONTH!!! Yes, I will be getting a few weeks severance pay, but it will only cover a few months. I have agreed to start my new job on my days off from my current job for the next month. And so I am preparing myself for the possibility of working two jobs like I always used to do. The Mr. and I already don't see much of each other, so I reckon this will continue until that new and improved, um, LIFE finally decides to settle into existence.
I know there are MANY suffering much worse circumstances than me. I don't even want to get into suffering and coping strategies. I watch the coverage of those affected by the recent tornadoes in Oklahoma and feel lousy for even mentioning my dilemmas. But dilemma after dilemma with very few breaks or 'luck' is something difficult to endure. Life isn't easy, and nobody ever told me it would be, but man oh man. I sure wish life were 'easy' sometimes.
I have been holding things together for a very long time.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Success!
Yay! Crisis averted. Well, not quite yet. But getting there. I have accepted a new position with a small family-owned business. And I am feeling such mega relief from the fact that I will NOT have to endure what I hear are horrors down at the unemployment office.
Whew!
I will indeed miss the conversations that come with working in a bookstore, but I suppose ANY kind of conversation can come up when your CUSTOMERS become your FRIENDS. And I hope that my old customers will come in and be my new customers.
Sadly, I have to say, this line from the job offer stands alone in NEON FLASHING LIGHTS for me:
"We could definitely use someone of your stature to help run our business."
As I mentioned elsewhere, this FINALLY made me feel like an adult! Who knew when I started selling shoes at age 16 that I would still be a shopgirl TWENTY YEARS LATER!!!
Who knew....
Whew!
I will indeed miss the conversations that come with working in a bookstore, but I suppose ANY kind of conversation can come up when your CUSTOMERS become your FRIENDS. And I hope that my old customers will come in and be my new customers.
Sadly, I have to say, this line from the job offer stands alone in NEON FLASHING LIGHTS for me:
"We could definitely use someone of your stature to help run our business."
As I mentioned elsewhere, this FINALLY made me feel like an adult! Who knew when I started selling shoes at age 16 that I would still be a shopgirl TWENTY YEARS LATER!!!
Who knew....
Monday, May 6, 2013
States of transition...
This week marks the beginning of the six week period I have left on my current job. I am frazzled and cannot concentrate on anything but my job search. I tried to sit down and watch Shoot the Piano Player last night, but I couldn't concentrate. Even on a French film, which usually has me glued to the subtitles as I train my brain to notice new phrases to memorize.
I have applied to anything that sounds remotely interesting. I have no problem continuing my position as a shopgirl, as long as it's something I can get behind and actually enjoy selling and speaking about. Washers and dryers--no. Underwear--no. But something that is creative and inventive and interesting and somehow beautiful. I have also applied to office jobs, even though I know my twenty years of retail background does not appeal to hiring managers in a clerical setting. I have even applied for entry-level positions in the field of mental health. And museums. And cute boutiques. And record stores.
I'm in a strange limbo...squeezing in all my doctors appointments and hoarding my prescriptions while I still have health insurance. I have prepared myself for the unexpected--that of not having health coverage. I will probably have to forfeit my therapy sessions, which have helped me to gain confidence and be assured that I will NOT end up in one of those god awful hospitals again. I jotted down some support group information and I am thinking about trying my first session in another week. How I wish I had a supporter to accompany me. Navigating the realms of mental health can be frightening. You just never know what kind of personality you're going to encounter, or if you are on the verge of experiencing something entirely too negative to be a strive toward recovery.
So many things to juggle.
And if nothing lines up in time for my position to end, what if I don't qualify for unemployment? I am so nervous I have invested in some bottles of wine to keep my anxiety to a minimum.
I have applied to anything that sounds remotely interesting. I have no problem continuing my position as a shopgirl, as long as it's something I can get behind and actually enjoy selling and speaking about. Washers and dryers--no. Underwear--no. But something that is creative and inventive and interesting and somehow beautiful. I have also applied to office jobs, even though I know my twenty years of retail background does not appeal to hiring managers in a clerical setting. I have even applied for entry-level positions in the field of mental health. And museums. And cute boutiques. And record stores.
I'm in a strange limbo...squeezing in all my doctors appointments and hoarding my prescriptions while I still have health insurance. I have prepared myself for the unexpected--that of not having health coverage. I will probably have to forfeit my therapy sessions, which have helped me to gain confidence and be assured that I will NOT end up in one of those god awful hospitals again. I jotted down some support group information and I am thinking about trying my first session in another week. How I wish I had a supporter to accompany me. Navigating the realms of mental health can be frightening. You just never know what kind of personality you're going to encounter, or if you are on the verge of experiencing something entirely too negative to be a strive toward recovery.
So many things to juggle.
And if nothing lines up in time for my position to end, what if I don't qualify for unemployment? I am so nervous I have invested in some bottles of wine to keep my anxiety to a minimum.
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