the cost of a compliment

So I don't talk about it much to anyone at all, but I have been seeing a therapist for the last two years.  I have gone through all kinds of phases reconciling the value of therapy, but I would definitely say it has helped me.  The extent of my discussion about it before this interweb blog posting is to jokingly call the Mr. when I get home and exclaim, "I'm home from therapy and I'm alllllll healed!" 

I was assigned a therapist after my first hospitalization for bipolar depression (or whatever they labeled it at that time) back in 2003.  I complied and attended each session, even though I felt worse every time I left the office.  I did so for a few months, and was completely turned off after being assigned a homework type of assignment where I was to present a visual display of my support system.  Man, I spent hours on it, and ended up with a really organized sort of family-tree-looking diagram detailing all of my friends and family at the time and what each person represented to me as far as support.  Anxious to discuss it at my next session, I sat through what felt like 30 minutes of scolding and not even a small mention of the aforementioned assignment.  Time was up, so I brought it up.  The therapist looked at it for two seconds and humored me with, "Oh wow!  Look how organized you are!  Good girl! (or something to that effect)"  And that was it.  I didn't show up for my next appointment and didn't even call her back after she left me a scathing message for my absence.

But I gave it another go 8 years later, after finishing up an outpatient therapy session and being advised by a therapist there that he didn't see the 'schizoaffective disorder' that the psychiatrist at the time was labeling me and gave me a list of therapists to try.  I called a few, and I can't for the life of me remember what made me decide to choose the one I did.  But I gave it a go, and I have been attending every two weeks for the past two years now.  Tonight, she summarized our two years with a compliment that has calmed me.  She looked back at where I was two years ago, jacked up on all kinds of pills that made me sicker, merely existing and shuffling through life, sleeping all the damn time, etc.  And presented me with present day:

-I have become my own advocate dealing with psychiatrists and actually got them to listen to my requests regarding some of the horrendous side effects.  I now have a life as a result.

-I have bounced back from the rejection of a bad job review in what can sometimes be a harsh corporate world and have developed new skills to bring forth more opportunities (one of which I am starting TOMORROW.)

-I have quit smoking.

-I have properly grieved for the loss of loved ones.

-I have let go of the past and learned to look further into the future than ever before.

-And most importantly, I learned that I have worth, reasons to be confident, intelligence and was even told I have gifts.

I may still struggle a bit as far as the career goes, but I have come a looooong way.

New job tomorrow!