climbing out of winter and more

greetings earthlings.

i am slowly rebuilding my world after the collapse that sometimes occurs with mental illness.  tired of hunting down my psychiatrist every time i need a refill on something, i have turned over a new leaf and found a new pusher.  it's a very daunting task....to go through one's entire mental health & subsequent life story all over again and answer all the same tired questions again.  but i did it.  and after four visits now, it's going well.  i have gone from four psychiatric pills to two.  and with some hard work and persistence, i hope to rid myself of anxiety through better health and exercise and discontinue my Ativan.

the life of pills, doctor visits, therapist talks and sleep can become a tiresome one really quickly.  i have lived on such a routine since my last hospitalization almost three years ago, just trying with all my might to feel like a regular girl again.  there was a year or two where i had to be in bed by 8:30 pm or else i couldn't function properly the next day.  but i write with GLEE that things are all changing.

as far as writing practices go, i have kept up a weekly journal of activities and thoughts.  but i have still not made progress on my chef d'oeuvre and don't know that i ever will.  i so badly want to expel the stories from my system and take on a whole new deliverance of cleansing and happiness again.  i just finished 'Brain on Fire' by Suzanne Cahallan and was impressed at her ability to construct a pensive narrative on her 'month of madness' as she battled an auto-immune disease of the brain.  mimicking schizophrenia, she experienced mania, delusions, voices in the tv, hallucinations, all of the things that i faced in my heightened moments.  it was an interesting diagnosis she was given.  i've often wondered if there was something more than 'bipolar' or 'schizoaffective' or 'depression with psychosis' or whatever the diagnosis du jour was in my case.  there is still so much more to learn about the brain and i'm not done sleuthing to uncover its many mysteries.

and on that note, i promise to myself right now (and whomever finds this post on the interwebs) that i am back to write all about it and more again.  there is so much mystery to unveil in our lives.