one day at a time

As I adjust to new dosages and the elimination of certain medications, I find a bit of fear and anxiety about relapsing again.  I have the care of a regular therapist and have good communication with my new psychiatrist, but when I have those sleepless nights and odd lucid dreams...I feel that sensation of deja-vu all over again.  The minutes and hours when my sleep is disturbed is when the 'sensation' starts all over again.  No sleep = relapse.  Mania.  Psychosis.  Anxiety.  Fear.  And it's damn scary.

I want to participate in life again.  Try another art piece and maybe even try showing it to people again.  Write something and read it aloud to a group of others.  I need the exchange to occur, so that I am reminded that I am no longer alone in this big bad world.  I will get there one day.  When that might be, I have no clue.

I need to find my funny bone again.  I used to be damn funny and was always able to laugh at myself.  Even had the ability to laugh at my mental health journeys.  I would think those things would come back again as I get older and become more comfortable in my own skin again.  But it's another freakin' journey.  Journey after journey after journey.  So many journeys yet why do I still feel like I need another vacation?  Are we there yet?

The bookstore is a good place to work.  I've gathered loyal customers who have become friends.  We talk about books and films and music and all the art that gives us hope and solace and fantastic things to ponder.  And I couldn't ask for better conversations in a day's work.  For that I feel quite lucky.  Certainly there are the politics of a workplace which can become hard to endure on the difficult days, but the good outweigh the bad.  At least for now...

There is also the mess that comes with previous medical leaves and the bosses' lack of understanding of what is entailed in a 'mental health leave.'  But perhaps the more people talk about it and share and listen and understand, the further grasp we gain on what it means to RECOVER. Support is key.  Support all around.  Even at the workplace.

Especially at the workplace.

The season will be changing again soon, and with it, I will see the sun shine again.

Now if only someone had a good joke to share.  I need a good hearty laugh to get goin'....