May is Mental Health Month

As I continue on this journey, I am dedicated to Mental Health Awareness.  I have been shaped by mental illness, and while I don't walk around displaying a bipolar badge everyday, it has impacted my life in so many ways.

I don't really have the answers, but I can try and educate others based on my own experiences.  I am taking a stand against the mental health stigma and I will fight not only for myself but for others whose lives have been impacted by its effects.  

Every day, people worldwide lose jobs, respect, friends, loved ones and sometimes even lives to mental illness.  Employers and bosses sometimes don't have tolerance for an 'invisible' illness.  Colleagues laugh at someone in the midst of a terrifying breakdown.  Friends walk away when a friend with mental illness has to miss an outing due to a panic attack.  Loved ones lose patience with someone who is sometimes stuck sleeping all the time.  Disappointment and isolation can destroy a life.

Reaching out for help is still deemed a sign of weakness by certain judgmental people.  Finding the right help can sometimes be difficult, particularly once confusing isolation sets in for some.  But I want to encourage others facing mental health issues to keep trying.  Try try try relentlessly.  There will be bad days, there could be hardship along the road, but nobody should ever feel worthless or shame for having a mental illness...

I think even the strongest of human beings can fall into states of depression when hopes and dreams for a 'happy life' seem to get rerouted to a different destination.  Unless one is a highly enlightened human entity of some sort and somehow unaffected by the ups and downs of life, then mental health affects us all.  So why is it still so stigmatizing to talk about it?

(Oooo ooooo I know, Mr. Kotter.  I know, I know.  Because people seem to enjoy cruelty sometimes.)

tumbleweed in the vast writing spaces of the interwebs

I like to write.  I write a lot.  I write on my iphone, in about five different notebooks at the moment, sometimes on the computer.  I fired up an old outdated laptop earlier to see what writings I could find.  I read through a few.  Some were written in manic fervor.  Some were written from a place of depression.  I've opened up old notebooks and have reread and reread.  I comb through the stuff with a fine tooth comb, hoping for an idea.

I tried writing poetry and it's really, really bad.

I've written many outlines for book ideas. They never go anywhere.

I bought a book on how to write a screenplay.  That's much too daunting for me.

No words seem to appropriate themselves correctly.  Timing and rhythm and flow always seems to elude me.  I take breaks for awhile.  I always come back to it, hoping something new will hit. I really don't know what else I'm supposed to do.

I do feel there are big questions and complexities stifling my ability to succeed in creating something substantial.  I feel blocked by the Whys, the Hows, the Whats and especially the Whos of it all.  If I could somehow discover the truth of it, I might be onto a brighter and more optimistic path.

Until then, I'm stifled.  Sleepless.  Even on the pills.  

Yes, there's imagination, but even imagination seems to elude me these days.  

Six more hours til I have to get ready for work.  I'm in for another brutal day tomorrow. Mr. Sandman bring me a dream.  Preferably not a creepy one.

Dreams.

We hear so often from so many people in this day and age how we should relentlessly fight to achieve our dreams.  Reach for the stars!  Reach for the moon!  Never give up!  I'm all for that, but it's the daily in-the-meantime thought processes that give me a headache.  Not only introspectively, but among those artistic people I encounter daily.

Sometimes I think people misconstrue these Dream Big messages.  Obviously working hard and diligently toward one's goals while never giving up is important.  But there is another reality.  Sometimes people have to juggle their dreams with a realistic paycheck.

In the pursuit of dreams, some people are neglectful or disrespectful to the other duties that a 'day job' requires.  There is an element of immaturity or self-centeredness that blinds the dream-seeker while they perform what they possibly deem 'menial' tasks.  I think that's wrong.  I don't think it's what adults should be teaching younger ones as they pursue dreams.  I believe one should appreciate EVERY opportunity and learn what one can from EVERY experience.  As the journey continues, enhanced perspectives nurture growth and enlighten The Path with every lesson, no matter how small.

Dreams require great patience, and in this day of instant gratification, some aren't willing to wait.  The days in and days out of our journeys will only frustrate  us if we can't learn to appreciate and savor every moment.  Maybe I've had way too much psychotherapy and have grown too too grounded for my own good, but there's a lot of crap to sift through out there.  I'm finally learning how to sort through all of it.

Professional Worth

I just read one of those Buzzfeed quizzes on Facebook detailing how 'Working Retail Kills Your Soul.'

When I was young, I wanted to open my own store of quirky and interesting imported items.  I was inspired by all the interesting knick-knacks on my grandparents walls and tables that they collected on their world travels.  That's what I wanted to do--to travel the world to find my wares and sell them in my own little independent shop in some cool town somewhere.  Obviously, I don't have the financial means to make this happen and running a store in the age of online shopping isn't an easy feat.

So, instead, I work the dreaded retail.

I won't lie, it's really challenging leading a staff of kids who read these Buzzfeed quizzes and allow retail to kill their souls.  But as an older coworker said to me on my last few days at the bookstore job from which I was laid off:

"You are a merchant, and that's a very noble profession."

I appreciated his sentiments, because most of the people in my life have been telling me I'm not working to my potential and that I'm somehow lowly, or something, because I work retail.  The truth is, I don't like sitting in a cubicle.  I like interacting with a variety of people every day.  I like building relationships with customers, some of whom have grown to be lifelong friends!  I like talking to people and helping them find gifts or something special to treat themselves.  Sure, there's bad shit that happens working in the public.  But there's bad shit with every job. 

I refuse to let the opinions of others affect my feelings of self-worth.  Certainly I can continue my writing and painting as I work and learn more about life and people and behavior and action and humankind.  I can hone my leadership skills and diplomatic skills and general people skills while I make my lil humble living.  My biggest struggle is getting through to the young people.  It is my biggest challenge to teach them valuable work ethics that they will carry throughout their lives.  As I've said a million times before, no matter what job you find yourself doing, there is always something valuable to learn.  And the world needs many different people to do all sorts of jobs.  The world needs all kinds of people.

Yes, you can still dream, but take pride in whatever you find yourself doing.  There's an importance in it all.  This has become my daily meditation of sorts...

medicaments

I am researching a new drug on the market that has been suggested to me by my mind doctor.  I am doing my best on this current drug, however, at a lower dosage it has made me gain weight.  Obviously, weight gain only brings forth depression.  I am afraid to try this new drug, however, because like a previous med, it can cause inner restlessness.  And inner restlessness, in turn, gives me panic attacks.  If you've never had a panic attack, consider yourself lucky.  They are the most frightening things.

I'm waiting to hear from two other people before I make my decision to move forward with the new drug.  See, 'taking your meds' is not as simple as it sounds. There are very complicated side effects involved that can create a discomfort worse than initial symptoms themselves. It's not as simple as it seems.

One day, I would like to help out in mental health advocacy in some capacity.  I don't know how just yet, but it's on my mind.

Mental Illness in Pop Culture

I remember the first time I got out of a two week stint in a mental hospital.  I was on a medical leave from a job and some coworkers invited me out to go see a movie.  After the movie, the first question they asked was:

So was it like that movie Girl, Interrupted?

This began years of all kinds of goofy interactions with people who were sorta afraid and sorta curious.  And there were quite a few who thought they could cure me by, uh, telling me there is nothing wrong with me and the doctors don't know me like they do.

I have finally accepted the fact that I have this 'thing' and while my husband doesn't really understand it, at least he'll visit me in a hospital and bring me clean clothes and do what he can to be there.  Which is more than anyone else has ever done for me....

Anyway, I'm watching this crazy Black Box tv show.  I am just sitting here shaking my head.  This is giving people a really really really really bad impression of what bipolar is.  Aie aie aie.

Rumors vs Truths

I caught up with a friend from high school last night and was given some revelatory information about an old boyfriend who had an aggressive/violent streak.  I'm not quite sure how to process it all but it will surely be the freaky gossip of our 20th class reunion coming up this summer.

It makes me think about gossip and how we form opinions of others.  Psychologists and psychiatrists do this all the livelong day, and I have found that they are quite quick to judge and label a New Patient without really knowing much about them.  It has taken me years upon years to find quality professionals who honestly want to help me and not make me feel shame for being a bonafide mentally ill person.

Mental health professionals are supposed to retain private patient histories and remain confidential with their knowledge. But why do I get the feeling that may not always be the case?  I think back to all the students and interns in the mix, the aggressive, judgy 'professionals,' the workers who went into psychology to just play and fuck with people who were in a rather vulnerable position.....well, I don't recall a consistently professional environment during the course of various treatments.  It is because of this that so many people refuse professional treatment in their lives.  It can be rather messy.

The psychology of rumors and gossip is an astounding area of study.  Combine shared delusions, religious convictions or lack thereof, remnants of the collective consciousness, faux psychic ability, real psychic ability, and other unspoken truthiness and you've got yourself a whole lifetime worthy of study.  I'm working on a series of paintings regarding folie á deux, folie á trois, folie á quatre, etc and all I can do is paint it.  Because I certainly can't explain this stuff in words....

One of my favorite Mark Twain quotes is as follows:

"A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes."

Truth is only a pursuit for a select few, and I myself am quite particular about what truths I seek.  An element of mystery is essential for me, because I have seen some rather mysterious things with my own two eyes.  But gossip, rumors and lies?  Nah, no thanks.  Most people use it for destructive purposes, and I've grown so tired of destruction in this life.

Sooo, so tired.

Embellishing old paintings

Here's a bad snapshot of my current easel set up.  I started this painting in 1996 after visiting the Taos Pueblo during a trip with family to New Mexico.  There was an elder visibly pissed off at people taking photos of him like he was an animal in a zoo.  Despite his irritation people continued to take pictures and I decided I was going to paint it once I got home.  No photos for me, thanks.  This painting went unfinished for many years until I picked it up again a few months ago and started adding my own surreal embellishments which 18 years of experience have since colored my life.

It's a fun exercise to 'edit' paintings.  That odd little window stuck between nowhere special in the interiors of the home were probably a genuine point of perspective mistake I did at age 19, but now I kind of like it....

There's still more embellishing to do.  I'm having fun with this one.

Writing journeys

I took a few little trips recently and tried to write a bit along the way.  I've tried my hand at poetry, and it just doesn't come naturally to me.  Still I do it, as it's a nice exercise to put complex thoughts and beliefs into a small series of word patterns.  I won't know if they make any sense until I share them with someone other than my husband.  He gets some of them, but our perspectives of the universe differ somewhat.  He tends to feel really isolated from the world of famous art-makers and/or Celebrity, as do I.  I tend to feel the effects of Social Class Difference, whereas he doesn't see The Human Side of those big ol' stars.  In this day and age, it's all a big warped sense of heavily marketed illusion though, right?  Maybe.  

Anyway, sometimes my thoughts on fame and recognition go something more like this Thai commercial:

http://youtu.be/cZGghmwUcbQ

In Focus

Life is peculiar at times, and for those with a mental illness, sometimes happiness and inner peace is something of a dream.  It is my wish and my goal to make that dream come true for those who struggle with these invisible illnesses.

I am doing much better.  Medication adjustments are still in progress, and I have found a delicate balance of resolution as I continue with these changes.  It's really rather boring and unnecessary to detail for you, so I won't.  But I'm on a Bon Chemin, and I'm filled with ideas once again.

I am reading a new book I found kind of miraculously in a used bookstore regarding Secrets.  As soon as I learn more of its contents, I'll be back with my thoughts on the subject.  I have also been immersed in the thoughts of Rudolf Steiner, and this rediscovery has led me to higher grounds as I continue my own writings and art-making.