Day 4.

I am almost completed with Day 4 of the most recent lower dosage of my "antidepressant."  I put that in "phrasy quotes"  because it's kind of more than an antidepressant, depending on whom you ask.  It was prescribed to me four years ago alongside another medication to counteract one effect of it and another medication to balance the effect of that second drug and then another medication to help out with the other part of my body that the third medication was affecting.  Because I have a problem with bouts of sleep deprivation and apparently, the lack of sleep causes my brain to become "manic."

Except they don't call it "manic" anymore.  "Bipolar" has come to be used as an adjective measuring EXTREMES from one point to another.  People use it flippantly to describe the crazy weather, or a boss who snaps when a problem comes up, or "crazy bipolar" is a phrase I hear a lot when people close to me describe another irrational person....having no idea that the extremely level-headed person they always confide in has had a history of "mania" coupled with "depression" at certain times in her life.

I switched doctors a few years ago because the other one wouldn't listen to me, was insanely disorganized and hard to get a hold of when I needed refills and appointments.  And sometimes I think she kinda just tried different things on me as if I were an experimental, disposable guinea pig.  

So, naturally, coming down another 100mg with the assistance of my doctor whom I've been seeing for awhile now is wreaking havoc on my sleep schedule.  And what little sleep I have had has been filled with dark, strange dreams that are so far out there they wake me up with an overwhelming sense of malaise.  I can't really remember any of them, but I seem to wake up with a dark, terrifying cloud hanging over me.

It can be scary.

These pills are DANGEROUS and not to be dealt with lightly.  The side effects can be worse than the initial symptoms.  Tapering off of them, even with the assistance of a team of professionals is very difficult and anxiety-producing.  I am working closely and carefully with a very experienced psychiatrist who communicates very well with me AND my psychotherapist whom I am meeting with this week.  My pharmacist is also so very kind and helpful.  My support group is strong.  But these pill things are DANGEROUS.  That dark cloud that happens is something of which I think more mental health professionals AND physicians of all sorts need to be very experienced and educated. 

Because I have been dealing with "depression" since the nineties in college, I have loads of experience understanding a few things of what HELPS me:

-Yoga stretches in the a.m.
- Going to bed early.  Even if I don't sleep, at least I am resting.
- Don't read the Morrissey autobiography nor listen to the Smiths until you've adjusted to your new dosage
- Journal THREE GOOD THINGS that happened today
- Choose a few colors and paint what you feel (sometimes these are blobs, other times they look like an EKG read-out and other times I paint with my fingers)
- Dance
- One glass of wine at night if I am feeling anxious
- Cleaning tasks like scrubbing dishes and bathtubs helps with feelings of agitation
- Check-ins with a therapist (which took me many, many years to find the RIGHT one)
- Reaching out to friends and family with kids and hearing the silly, sweet stories they tell

These are just a few things that help.  I've had other doctors insist I do outpatient therapy as I'm adjusting on meds and know that many 'peers' have simply relied on going to the hospital for a few days.  But I have a full-time job and have seen what respect is lost when one has to 'take a few sick days' to deal with this imaginary illness.  That is NOT an option for me anymore. 

I figure I have a rough month ahead of me as my sleep eludes me.  This, too, shall pass.