There are so many things that have happened in my life that nobody ever told me were even possibilities that could happen. So much has happened that I could have never been prepared for.
Nobody around me ever told me that depression and anxiety could cause a breakdown which could lead to hospitalization. And nobody told me it could hover for years, and that people would say terrible, judgmental things that would be permanently fixated in the mind.
Nobody ever told me that the joy and excitement that pregnancy brings could end abruptly in a tragic loss. Nobody really mentioned that the grief could last for years, and quite possibly, the remainder of one's life here on earth.
The general response from people surrounding you after losing a pregnancy is, "Oh, don't worry. You can try again."
The first doctor to approach me to discuss the delivery and implications of surgery being that I was almost five months along said just this:
"Some women go through this 7, sometimes 8 times before they are able to go on and have a healthy, happy family."
Other things people said:
"There was probably something wrong with the baby so it's a blessing this happened."
"Don't worry, this will pass and you'll heal and you'll go on to have a whole house full of children."
"Take some time to yourself to heal, give it a year or more, and you can try again."
"So, you have a history of depression. Are you currently in treatment? You ought to discuss medication with a psychiatrist as soon as possible."
"I believe you will meet this soul again in your life."
"It will be hard the next time you try, but next time everything will be just fine."
"I'm so very sorry. I had a miscarriage once. But look at my beautiful family I have now!"
"You're still young enough. You've got plenty of time."
"The same thing happened to Vince's wife. Except she carried the baby full-term before it died during delivery. Didn't she have to carry around a doll or something for awhile after that?"
"Even if you go on to not have any kids, just get some dogs."
"God has a plan for you so put your faith in His hands."
Oh, and so much more.
I kind of brushed myself off for years after it happened. But the sorrow is still there. My therapist says it will always be there. That I will always be that baby's mother.
What is so difficult to grasp with perinatal loss is that it's a sort of an abstract loss. You don't have memories to hold onto like you do when you've lost someone who was always present in your life. It's more of a feeling of loss of a certain hope. An abrupt loss of joy. I can't quite put my finger on the right words. I don't know that I ever will.
Writing about it helps, talking about it helps, but only when I'm up for it. Coping with all difficulties in life requires putting on a strong face and going forth in the world.
But it's important to take time out from Moving Forward and take time to breathe and grieve.
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