D'oh!

Don't worry, I'm still geared up for the new writing sessions.  But keeping all these layers of mental health issues in this separate little folder has been helping me.  I know it's terrible, but it's like taking a lint brush to your favorite black worn-out sweater.  Funny analogy but it's so, so true.

I had a really rough day.

I went to an early morning primary care doctor visit.  My anxiety and blood pressure have been screwing up.  Got off the reliance on Ativan but my heart palpitations and stress triggers are resulting in sporadic blood pressures.  I like this new PCP but it's pretty obvious she doesn't believe in certain mental health issues.  And I hate talking about all this crap repeatedly over and over and over and over again and I LOATHE answering their questions trying to determine if I am bipolar, depressed, postpartum depression, blaaaaaaaah.  Slap about ten more on to that and make me a tshirt or a dog tag so the next doc can just read it for him or herself.  New BP meds added to my regime now.  Yes I know damn well I need more exercise and better diet.  I've been guilty of eating foods I love because I just friggin want to.  I want to be outside doing stuff.  This winter has completely dragged me down.  I need sunshine.  I am not a big beach person, more of a beautiful park with flowers and soft green grass reading books under a big sunhat.  Lakes.  I'm a lake person.

I am having a really hard time with medication.  I start crying if I think about something that I cried about yesterday.  My sleep patterns are awful.  My life can't be planned until I feel at least semi-ok somehow.  I guess I can't go off this medication.  I don't even want to try yet another drug!  I'm soooooo oooooooo soooooooooo tired of all this!  Do I go back to doping up and sleeping all the damn time and never shedding a tear?  Do I try something new?  Do I stick it out and get med free and will I balance out okay?  I don't know what to do anymore.  My intuition has been drugged out of me.

I know I need new people in my life, too.  I need people who have their own experiences with treatment and understand where I've been.  You know, the people who have felt dark depression so blackened and dense and layered and thick that you feel deathly.  But still get back to it.  I don't want any more nihilistic depressors who don't want help being more optimistic.

I know there are people out there who know pain.  They work so hard crawling their way out of it.  That's what artists do best.  If only I had the talent to do that.

Dear God, pleeeeeease let me sleep tonight!!!!!!