winter of hibernating

Eeek!  Another sub-zero day in Chicago.  I want nothing more today than to go for a long walk.  At least five miles.  Maybe more.  Ten sounds even better.  But it's freezing.  So I will enjoy yet another leisurely day at home.  I've been organizing and purging old stuff, getting ready for a move.  The 'creative self' doesn't always feel inspired, so it is resting again today.  Writing disciplines have attempted a regular, steady schedule, but again: No Inspiration.  All of the confusion in my life makes me stare at an empty page.

I had a horrible dream the other night that I couldn't move my legs.  I tried to get out of bed and I was stuck.  It probably signifies something like 'feeling emotionally vulnerable.'  Being stifled by emotions, you know, all that usual stuff.  

I have flashbacks sometimes of moments when 'mania' crippled me.  Specifically, I felt an overwhelming sensation of being under surveillance.  I was assured by doctors and family members that it was all 'in my head' and that it was part of a psychosis.  But I specifically remember interactions with other real, live humans during those 'episodes' and thinking to myself 'uh, this is not a natural conversation.'  I felt poked, prodded, judged, loathed and felt violently ill.  I remember not eating for days and nerves taking over my body.  And then I would wind up in the hospital again to only be fed loads of medications all over again.

I don't know what can be done to rid oneself of flashbacks like these.  I keep myself busy at work and don't have time to let my mind wander.  I fill my mind with books and movies so I can immerse myself in other people's worlds they have created so I don't have to be preoccupied with mine.  And music.  Music stills my mind.