Meditation

I pray for peace.  I pray that we can all pause and find our words carefully.  We have not adapted properly to changes in the speed of human communication and I feel we need those special places in our lives where we learn ways to pause to build one another up, rather than tear people down.  

I am pausing for careful consideration of so, so many things.  And while I pause here, I am going to continue my efforts to connect and collaborate in mental health healing communities.  It's a lot to juggle when there are bills to be paid, but it must be done.

Why?

I always wonder why people treat each other with cruelty and then have to remember that my frustrations witnessing anger, violence and rage in others is from a lens of past trauma.

I'm working hard, so damn hard in therapy, in practicing mindfulness, in trying to connect in support groups and hopefully network with professionals who respect me for working so hard to improve my life despite all odds.

I feel at this point, all there is for me to do is become an activist for mental health.

Feeling Ok

I very groundedly (is that a word?) mentioned his name in therapy yesterday.

I told the story of the time I played a song of his for my husband, and tried to use it as a way for him to try and understand the depths of my childhood memories in terms of my journey in mental health.

And how my husband didn't get it.

Obviously I'm not going to blab here about our personal troubles.  I'm all love. I'm all peace.  I'm all support, even when being supportive doesn't make sense.

There are so many things in this life out of my control, and there is so much pressure for me to be GREAT.  And if I spend my time focusing on that, my depression grows to excruciating lows.

I have been OVERWHELMED by too many things in my life.  

I'm just a simple lady trying my best to live a good life.

I'm spending the day working on some simple paintings and simple collages.  It's my therapy.

Also listening to good music:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vOhLbA-B-bE

Independence Day

I finished a painting today.  Two years ago on July 4th I was encountering severe anxiety due to my trial period of the antipsychotic Latuda.  I was sick to my stomach during the transition.  I ended up spending two hours leaning over the bathroom sink dry heaving and trying to breathe through a panic attack.  I begged my husband to take me to the hospital, but he refused because he was afraid of what medicine they'd dope me up with again.   Anyway, I survived the allergic reaction or mere panic attack, take your pick, and here I am two years later stable and okay on the first medicine.

I've gained a lot of weight but I guess being heavy set is a fair trade off for stability.

I'm trying my best to just think of myself as 'strong.'

Anyway, I picked up the painting I began two years ago and added some painted words to embellish it.  My thoughts really, looking back on my life thus far and what I've learned.

My paintings are not worthy of being shown anywhere except maybe in a classroom for psychologists or something sad like that, but I'm going to keep doing them anyway.

It's my therapy.  

Moving on and forgiveness...

I ran back to my hometown area for some July 4th festivities and ended up having a good frank talk with my mom on the drive back to the city.

There are many things we don't agree on but I've been telling her about what interests me most in community mental health and she seemed to listen.

Also had a good chat with my uncle about kids and their poor work ethic and inability to honor commitments.

Despite certain things that I don't see eye to eye with my family on, they did instill good work ethics in me, and how can I not be grateful for that?  

As I complete the workshop im participating in, my views on things sharpen and become stronger.  Mental health is crucial.  It's not to be used as an excuse for poor judgments or it's not to be abused and stigmatized by powerful media forces.  It's about getting into the community and reaching people who are struggling with their own mental health issues (yes, sometimes originating in family/childhood hardships) and letting them know ITS OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP!!!  

And as I was discussing with my mom tonight, it takes time to get the right, individual treatment for an individual.  It takes someone to stop and listen.  It takes trust.

Most of all, it takes kindness.

Coping

At the end of the day

I'm grateful for a roof over my head

Kindness from one stranger

Though two or three measures would have made the day seem brighter

You never ever know

What the person right there is going through or what they went through 

And while kindness gets scoffed

To me it's the only thing that makes sense

In such an anger-fueled world

Community versus 'out there'

I'm slowly starting to feel the impact and importance of being a part of a community.  There are some road blocks having to do with difficult, strained relationships that I am not a part of but associated with nonetheless due to work, but I'm trying really hard.

And I hope I am accepted.

I am a small-scale person.  I enjoy emotional intimacy in relationships and supportive networks and given the opportunity, I choose the empathic route each and every time.

I'm not a large scale person.  I don't feel safe 'out there.'  There are dozens of different agendas and schemes and who knows what humans will do to try and incorporate or use you for their own selfish needs.  I'm not being cynical; I have experienced this behavior first hand!  It's scary and aggressive and mean.  

I only want to surround myself with good people who contribute positivity.

The only thing I know how to do is work small.  And it's a better way to build trusting relationships and TAKE THE PROPER TIME to get to know people.  God knows there's too too much distrust and judgment in the world and if we took the extra time to cultivate relationships then I feel more secure.

Anyway, I'm working towards bigger ideas but for my own mental health and sanity, I still need Good Friends.

Don't we all?

Painting

I'm trying out painting again.  Even though I am not a master artist, I put my heart into what I paint.  Some of them take years to finish.  

I like the transformative, therapeutic sensation I feel when I paint.  While writing also serves as a release and a way to organize my sometimes scattered thoughts, painting allows for an evening of temperament when I'm feeling overwhelmed and stressed.

Which is often.  I am often overwhelmed and stressed.

I don't know where any of these paintings belong.  Not in a museum because people would just laugh at them.  They would criticize my poor technique and inability to compete with true masters.  Not in a gallery because they aren't really worth much money.  Not in someone's home, because they aren't aesthetically pleasing to the eye.  

Maybe in a collective with other so-called mentally ill artists, in a special feature where some cultivated people think it's just so neat and terrific that these poor mentally ill people are just fascinating.

And entertaining.  Can't forget entertaining.

Busy

I have been dealing with issues of exhaustion as well as insomnia in the past several years and am still trying to get a handle on it.  Again, my full time work and mental health advocacy endeavors take up much of time, leaving little space left to do something, hmmm, poignant I guess is the word.

I have formed a lot of philosophies over the long years about what success might mean to an assortment of people.  I know so many people struggling financially and many others who have no clue what that feels like.  There's much to be discussed, much more than my mere words written here.

What does success mean to you?

Honesty

Well, I'm working on some plans that are keeping me busy and hopefully not to a point of sheer overwhelming panic.

Living in the here and now...that's what I have to do to get by.  Still, I feel like there are others waiting for me to do what they expect me to do and getting angry at me...I don't know? 

What I get angry about is all those people with GIANT EXPECTATIONS of me don't know what I have been through in regards to my mental illness.  I have had so many setbacks to my stability and nobody seems to appreciate how much I've accomplished holding down a job and trying to be a loyal employee and honor my commitments.  I'm trying to do a good job, and be around people, and use my experiences to try and help other people.  Why isn't that good enough for people?

Maybe I have a simple life because that's all I can handle?  I'd love to bridge more friendships with authentic friends who love me for who I am, and to whom I can be an authentic friend in return.

Positivity

I am still reconciling certain things from the past and allowing them to strengthen my outlook in the here and now.  It's no easy feat, but I feel determined to keep trying.

I pick up on certain things and feel profound sadness, so much sadness at times that I can't even muster up any energy to do something.

I try and create and participate, but it's just not very good.  I see the talents all over and around my surroundings, yet I do not see anything I try to create as significant or important.  I'll keep doing it, but it's just my therapy, and not something I'd like a bunch of other people to toss around like a football in an attempt to win the biggest prize in the whole entire universe....

Or whatever.

Anyway, these words are my lifeline in space, and I'm sorry they're not up to everyone's expectations.

Arms up

I don't know what to do.  What I'm supposed to do.  All of these years, everyone around me being 'coy' about me being crazy, laughing and mocking me as if the depths of my pain were all just mere pangs of entertaining everyone feeding off other people's misfortunes.

It's insanity, all of it.

Anyway, I'm thinking of my friend again tonight.  I'm not allowed to speak his name because unpredictable opinion spews out in one of two ways:  "oh, how "cute."  

Or the alternative:  raging angry opinion.

I'm trying to cut through all the crap and get to what's real in the heart.

My heart aches to be near my friend and help him as he can help me.

But I'm not in a position to do that.  Because I'm not an equal.

I'm beneath what's appropriate or acceptable.

And I find that so very tragically sad.

Today

I start a workshop next week with my local mental health advocacy group and am so looking forward to it.

Something has to change.

The conversation needs to change.  Nobody knows what another person is going through mentally at any given time, so why are we so hard on each other?

I'm thinking about my friend today, and how I can change our conversation from 'everyone else's gossip' to our personal connection, unconditional support and mutual understanding of where we fit in in this world.

Anyone opposed to that needs to shift their concerns on something else, because, well, the world needs more support and love and positivity more than anything else right now.

Paths

I'm not a genius.  I'm not talented.  I'm not important.  I'm not anything but a caring, sensitive individual.  The things that have happened in my life, the circumstances I've been put in, the people who have meddled in my life...all of that....that's not me.

I look back at certain times in my life with so much clarity.  Other times just have me kneeling on the floor in despair.

I wish I had answers.

It's a bad day, I cannot lie

My ambien didn't help last night and I'm just wide awake after not sleeping last night.  It's like this invisible psychic force overcomes me, where it feels like it pounces on me at my lowest point and I start to unravel.  I don't know how to describe that invisible psychic force, but imagine for a moment, if you will, that many many many people are gossiping about you all at once.  Imagine how that might feel.

I'm not saying that's the case, that that is what I believe is happening, but it's what my mind is tortured with feeling and I just feel defeated and inches from total collapse.

I am processing traumas in therapy and it's got me feeling lost.  

There are bad days with this illness and today is one of those.

I'm sorry I'm not a successful human being.  

La balance

I am balancing summer as best I can.  There is so much live music and so many small adventures to enjoy.  Make art everyday, do something creative everyday, make everything count.  All of these phrases roll over and over in my mind.  Sometimes, though, I just want to enjoy what others have created themselves.  I feel isolated when I drown myself in my own projects.  It's not supposed to be that way, but it is. 

I'm still pondering things, but scheming? No, I'm not scheming.  The world is full of too many of those.  

Current events break my heart.  The danger of anger and hate and violence....and witnessing hateful responses.  It's heartbreaking.  All I know how to do in this world is be the change I wish to see.  Walk in peace, lead by example, walk the walk.  And when confronted with hostility and aggression, act with peaceful resolution.  Hate gets you nowhere.  

Music and Coping

It's summer in Chicago and I have begun my adventures of trying to soak up all the live music I possibly can.

I go through bouts of agoraphobia at times, during certain years of my bipolar/anxiety/trauma brain trials and tribulations, but I'm feeling pretty upbeat because I don't seem to be afflicted with that panic currently.

Saw a band last night, seeing one of my favorites tonight, seeing another band I love on Friday.  I'd love to pop by another favorite musician's concert next month too but I just can't rationalize paying so much for a concert ticket to see someone I once considered a friend.  That's just messed up...

I tried once to pick up a guitar and sing.  It didn't go well.  I am NOT a performer nor do I have any singer/songwriter talents.  I still have a student guitar that is sitting in its case in the corner of my living room, and every so often I'll try to tune it and play a little ditty.  Not for anyone but me.  Maybe my cat if she's in the room.  No siree, I am not cut out for that.  But boy do I enjoy watching others with TALENT doing what they do so well.

From a mental health standpoint, music and song lyrics helps those struggling find words and pitch to what they are universally experiencing.  That's really important, you know.  To be able to find an expression for what one is experiencing is of utmost, sincere importance, and I hope musicians can always remember that significance of their art and not get swept away with fandom adoration and enlarged ego.

Networks of support

I still feel like I kind of have to live a double life with mental health issues.  It's not as if I need to unload every single traumatic event that has ever occurred in my life publicly, but it is important to feel connected to those who perhaps know the depths of depression or the frightening heights of mania.  It's important to know others have walked down similar roads, where they'd have to step away from life and navigate the halls of a psych ward for a few weeks until reckless thoughts are replaced with functioning, stable mental processes.

As far as relationships go, I often think about ways to suggest to loved ones how they might go about offering support to someone in the midst of a mental health crisis.  I've thought a lot about it in fact, and here are a few things:

1) Visit your friend or loved one during visiting hours in the psych ward, don't just gossip about them with your friends and family in their absence. Just go and play a game of scrabble with them, or bring them a nice personal care item like a lavender hand cream that uplifts their spirit.  BE THERE.  I know it's hard to see someone there, but just go and visit.

2) When visiting, don't diss the doctors or offer your opinions about every tiny facet of the mental health system.  Creating a feeling of dissatisfaction or even feeding fear for your friend or loved one just makes them feel hopeless and confused and scared.  Support.  Just offer support.  Sometimes the psych ward is the best place for them....

3) Let the professionals do their job, and give your friend or loved one space to sort through their own feelings.  There will be plenty of time down the road to advocate and help them discover helpful tools to cope, as well as make medication adjustments as needed.

These are just a few things that I wish I would have had.  Don't say things like, "you're on your own with that shit."

For the love of God, don't say that.

Outlook

I have to keep reminding myself of my successes and to not feel let down by the limitations that mental health troubles bring.

It's easy to dwell on the sadness that labels bring, but once you can find that space to give empowerment a try, I think things can start to turn around.

It's important to find supports.  I have a few, but I'm working on trying to find more.  It's not easy, but I won't give up.

Perspective

Oh dear.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I am still struggling in life and age 40 is right around the corner.  I do the therapy, I take my job seriously, I pay my bills on time, I go to support groups, I try and reach out, I try and be a good friend.

I don't have any brilliant million dollar ideas to achieve any success.  I try and write, like really write and I don't mean on this dumb mental health blog, but nothing ever comes of it.

Still, in retrospect, I am doing better than I once was.  I'm not overloaded on pills, where I went to bed at 7:30pm for two whole years because my goofy former psychiatrist told me I needed to sleep.  I'm not suicidal or even get close to that point like I once was many moons ago (for that I blamed the very wrong med combo I was on.)  And I actually don't mind going to psychiatrist appointments because he respects me.  Heck, I might have even been a positive role model for a few young ladies I've managed at the shop in recent years.

But I'm not content.  I still deal with financial distress.  I still shudder in fear and anxiety and probably always will due to the effects of early childhood and adolescent trauma and violence.

Sigh.

Difficulties

Today is just a tough day.  That is all I want to say for now.

Societal Manifesto for today

How about when I struggle with staffing and scheduling and attendance and performance issues with staff in retail, that people don't reply to my venting with:

"Ugh, you really just need to get out of retail."

That friends instead choose to say:

"I really respect and appreciate your hard work.  Every time I go to the grocery store, or Target, or Starbucks, or any store for that matter, I think about how challenging your job must be and how valued you are for continuously instilling really important work values in young employees learning how to contribute positive things to the public."

How about that?

Opting out of negativity

As someone who has survived deep depression with the help of professionals and peers, I've learned to limit my time with negativity.  Obviously there is so much cynicism and jaded reasoning in the world, as well as precise mean-spiritedness.  That's no big news to anyone.  When I delve into the underlying reasons why it's there for some reason through genuine conversation and listening, I have learned to separate the negativity from the person just a tad bit.

I've found that people who go through tremendously rough things in their lives, whether they are classified as traumas or not, respond with either introspection or indifference.  The introspection and mindfulness practices become a way of life.  The indifference can often lead to general pointing fingers at everyone else's mistakes, where the negativity and blame becomes the essence of each day.

I wish these two extremes could find common ground.  While criticism is essential to our growth, it's really destructive when we don't connect thosereasons for constant criticism and opinion with our abilities to contribute something a bit more positive.

Collaborating.  Why is it so hard for certain people?

Anger, resentment, disgust, mistrust.  I've been driven by those things at certain moments.  But what I have found to be a better solution, at least in my own journey through life, is to take the empathic road.

Nothing at all to do with self-awareness, but just Awareness in general.

1 year after a cancer diagnosis

Had my annual mammogram today.  I opted for a single mastectomy last year rather than bilateral because I spoke to a dozen breast cancer survivors who didn't choose the bilateral (double) option because, well, it seemed drastic.  They've been cancer free for many, many years.

Surely it probably eliminates what nervousness I endured today as they performed imaging of my existing other side.  Mammograms are about as pleasant as root canals.  But BAM!  Got the all clear:

Normal.

My oncologist expressed her amazement at how well I've handled this past year, and how more younger women are receiving a breast cancer diagnosis and how great it would be if I could talk to them. As I've told others, dealing with the mental health industry has prepared me for any future hardship.  I know what to do for support, and by golly, I know how to PROPERLY support others.

It's more than just caring about someone from a distance.  It's being there for someone that will help them get through.

Not just with cancer, but with all mentally exhausting hardships.  Including mental health crises.

Trying new things

So I've started online coursework and I find it very stimulating.  It interesting to me, and it's teaching me skills for something I'd like to try doing in the future.

Life in retail is tough, mostly due to sluggish sales and lack of support from shoppers.  I've approached shopgirl life from many different angles, and it's tough.  Not 'good' challenging, but 'grim' challenging in that you can pull out many tricks from the top hat and still not find success.

When I was little, I wanted to run my own import store.  I wanted to travel to find my wares, meet interesting people and artisans from around the world, and gave interesting stories to discuss with customers back home as they shop for the perfect gift.

I love the art of gift giving.  And I love the art of treasure hunting.  Not just shopping and consumerism for profit, but the art behind connecting with people.

As a lonely child, that was all I wanted: to connect genuinely with people, and maybe even make some friends along the way.

So I'm going to stick with this new learning and certification endeavor and pray and work my hardest for success.  

Just once I'd like to succeed at something and be good at something.

Brrrr!

Winter.  Bitter cold.  Rather than hibernate I'm keeping busy.  I'm doing my best juggling balancing acts with as much poise as I can muster up while I shiver from the subzero windchill.

I'm still climbing the side of the Mental Health plateau and man oh man I cannot wait to stand on that old plateau where the view is calming, stilling, and comforting not just for me but for others who have struggled with difficulties in the hands of mental illness.

The bigger conversation about mental health has begun, and it's about damn time.  The more bravery I see from individuals openly discussing their struggles with mental illness, the more peace I feel.  Our connectivity to one another is not always that of mad crushes or mad hate in the gossip trains speeding through technological universes.  Our shared vulnerabilities in coming to terms with our most troubling moments in our lives deepens our human bonds.  

At least that's what I hope for.

Hello 2016

Last year was one of the most difficult years I've ever had, but not THE most difficult year.

Having a mastectomy was much easier than having a mental breakdown.

Just saying....