All this mental illness talk wears me out!

How does one live with a mental illness but not be his or her mental illness?  It's a balancing act, especially when it comes to relationships and, in my case, dealing with daily stress trigger situations.  I know my limitations in the workplace as far as stress levels are concerned, and I suppose knowing is half the battle.  The bigger the paycheck, the higher the stress.  So I've learned how to live with being poor.

Building personal relationships with people has been my biggest challenge.  I don't like to disclose much information about my mental health history to new people, and as a result, I am holding back from being my true self.  I try not to even think about it and relax in my own skin and just have fun in the company of others.  Dancing at a club has been good for me.  I have a few pals on the dance floor and we don't even have to talk about heavy stuff to enjoy each other's company.  But I cannot lie, locating new friends with whom I can talk openly about anything on my mind has been very, very hard.

One of the biggest 'delusions' of my life has been a person whose path crossed mine many, many years ago.  I've tried to talk about it with certain people, including my husband all these years later, and everyone says the same thing:

 "What?  You're crazy.  He doesn't even know you exist."

"Honey, that's not real.  That's part of your illness."

"Why would he be interested in talking to you?  He's a celebrity.  You are in two different worlds."

And many other things.  I tried to dive into an art communication to try and allow myself to understand and I failed epically and wound up in a psych ward with my deluded self.  I tried to talk about it in therapy, three times with three different therapists, and each time I became overwhelmed and couldn't speak.  'That's why it's art,' said my current therapist.  Art is that which overwhelms us, I guess.

There have been several occasions where I thought I even saw him.  At the bus stop, the train station, passing by.  I immediately heard all the words from the past in my head telling me it isn't real, it's a delusion, what would he want with you of all people.  So I ignored it, because I certainly didn't want to go up and talk to someone who really wasn't there again.

I will continue to try and go forth and make new friends.  I know living in a lonely world is no fun.  I also know good friends are hard to find.  But still somehow I try and connect.  Somehow I have to not feel confined by my abnormalities and try and be my true shining self again.