Wallowing

Because it's Mental Health Awareness Month, I will continue speaking about my own mental illness and its implications in my life.  But ultimately, I know that I am not my mental illness.  I know this.  There is much more to me than bipolar disorder.  Some days it doesn't feel like that.  Some days I feel engulfed by its grasp it has on my life.  But I try and persevere as best I can.

I think about attending a regular support group at times.  I sometimes think it would be good for me to have a place where I can go talk with others who live with this illness.  I've done it in the past.  I attended weekly meetings, sometimes more than weekly, and I got to know some others through the group and was able to learn more information as I was first being diagnosed.  My dad even went with me to a few meetings so he could learn about it.  I didn't, however, continue attending group because I began to feel as though I was wallowing in mental health issues.  There was nothing else going on in my life except being a mentally ill person.

I go back and forth on my feelings toward peer resources.  They are most definitely helpful as I'm finishing up a hospitalization, adjusting meds, or participating in outpatient therapy.  After an episode, I feel strength from my peers.  But once life has resumed back to normal, I try to move on.  I don't want to live in fear of another episode, and I tend to get anxious if I think about what happens during an episode.  I still believe environmental factors trigger much of those episodes, but I now feel a deep awareness of those anxiety-inducing days where major stress walks into my life.  I feel I have a better handle on it now.

I still feel anxious about moving to a new medication.  I figure summer is probably the best time to give it a try.  I can hopefully find some sunshine and a quiet park to relax and quietly focus on my breathing to still my mind and body as the new chemicals enter my headspace. I am preparing for 

Tardive dyskinesia

And

Akathisia

which are my most problematic side effects of antipsychotic medications.  I tremble involuntarily and I have terrible inner restlessness where I can't be still and have to fidget constantly or walk around or tap my foot or move myself somehow, which can be very difficult to manage when someone has to sit still at work or on a bus to work.  It's very uncomfortable.  I've also taken pills for Parkinson's and epilepsy in conjunction but they didn't really help to minimize those symptoms.   But I'm going to try dealing with those things on my own this time so I can get rid of Seroquel forever and its awful dreadful weight gain and subsequent oversedation.  It's the lesser of two evils with these medications.  I have to choose, and it's hard work.  Do I have to go the rest of my life trying the new drug recently developed and hope for the best each time?  I've heard lithium is the best, but I can't take that because I have thyroid troubles.

Wish me luck.