I don't have a lot of energy. I am sleeping a lot. When I pop an anxiety pill it usually does the trick to help me when I'm feeling panicked with stress, but then I sleep. A lot. I guess I'm going to try the new medication on the market, and so I must prepare for some tough days.
The positive talk surrounding mental illness is that it's treatable and people can go on to live full, meaningful lives. I do believe this is true and it's great to be optimistic, but let's face the facts here: Not For Everyone. I forget a lot of stuff and can't remember what I wrote where, but I remember writing about a woman I had met in the hospital once who was a lifelong sufferer of depression and her wrists were bandaged up. She said to me, with a smile, "I really hope you make it." It was as if she believed she would 'not make it' and was putting her hope out there for me to take. It was devastating. I know conversations with people living with mental illness don't hold much merit most of the time, but I still think they are important voices.
I hope I can 'make it' someday. And by 'make it,' I mean, in this order:
1. A strong support system. I finally have medical support I'm comfortable with, but I still need friends. Vague, anonymous well wishes from strangers on the internet aren't really very helpful. I need friends to hang out with, go for walks with, talk to over coffee. I don't have any of those.
2. Better meds that don't make me more insane.
3. A job where I'm respected, paid what I'm worth and earn enough to make a decent living. I have $10 in my bank account right now. Again.
4. Understanding and empathy. Pipe dream, that one.
These things will get me started, at least.
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