Hope

I suppose you could define depression as a lack of hope of any kind.  Well at least that's how it works for some people.  I get really really down.  It's like a cloud of BLAH just overcomes me, even with medication.  The kids on Facebook are all trying to get everyone on board for our 20 year high school reunion.  I keep procrastinating buying my ticket and making up excuses.  I don't think I can bring myself to attend.  I am not happy, I am embarrassed for the last twenty years of my life and what this stupid illness has done to my self esteem.  I am overweight, I can't seem to make small talk and I don't want people asking me why I don't have kids.

Part of me just says go, the part of me that is a curious writer who lives for new experiences and building memories.  But the other part of me is so hesitant and afraid.  High school wasn't exactly the best for me.  I had friends and was involved in a few activities, but there was some bad shit that went down to and I think it might be best to leave it back in the past.

I don't know.  I can't decide.  I am starting my new medication on Friday and maybe it will be better for me.  Gotta have hope, right?

Only a few days left of Mental Health Awareness Month.